The Return of Bad Jacob
by LeeLeeXtreme
Summary: Set during Eclipse. After their first kiss, and after she "punched a werewolf," Bella decides to pay Jacob a visit and let him know where she stands. Rated M for Strong Language and Lemon, i.e. Sexual Situations. Mature viewers only. Epilogue coming soon.
1. The Return of Bad Jacob

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and did not receive compensation for this.

**The Return of Bad Jacob**

I had forgiven Jacob for the kiss. He was way out of line for pulling that stunt but he was still my best friend. I couldn't properly explain it to Edward but Jacob had some kind of hold on me. I couldn't find it in myself to let go of him completely.

I ended up on the rez after sitting in my truck for twenty minutes thinking it through. Edward would be disappointed, but I felt it was something I had to do. I had to let Jacob know that no matter what he did I was going through with my transformation. After this whole ordeal with the newborns was over and after the whole ordeal of graduation was over, my human life would be over. I would be part of the Cullen clan. And he would have to accept that and be my friend despite everything. He had to.

I spotted him outside of his house. It looked like he was just getting home. Of course he was wearing his usual ensemble, muddied pants with no shirt, socks or shoes. He didn't see me as he entered the house.

I walked to the front door and noticed he had left it open a crack. Peering inside I could see his figure walking towards the bathroom. I didn't know if I should knock or just let myself in but for some reason I went with the latter. I was quiet as a mouse and glued to my target. A part of me wanted to just avoid this whole conversation and go home. Another part of me wanted to sneak into Jacob's room and leave a note. Maybe that would work out better. I didn't listen to either part and went with my gut instead.

I snuck up to the bathroom door and held up a closed fist. I would knock this time. I wasn't about to just walk in on him in the bathroom. I knocked twice quickly and looked away towards the kitchen. I guessed that Billy wasn't home since the house was eerily quiet.

I turned back upon hearing the door squeak open. Jacob was standing there in the nude.

_Oh shit._ No matter how hard my head screamed at me to _not look down _I was unable to abide. Pure curiosity caused me to catch a glimpse of his manhood. Within five seconds the door was slammed in my face. Apparently five seconds was enough to burn the image of his unbelievably large flaccid penis into my mind. Then Jacob was screaming.

"Jesus Bella. I thought you were my Dad! What the hell are you doing in my house?"

I didn't know who was more embarrassed. I was sure I must've looked as red as a tomato. Thank god he couldn't see me. "I'm so sorry," I called out to him. "You left the door open and I wasn't thinking. I'll go. I'm sorry." I muttered and made a fast spin towards the front door. I would be out of there in less than a minute as long as I could get my legs working.

_Please don't trip_, I pleaded with my clumsy body.

Then Jacob was throwing open the bathroom door and running up behind me. He grabbed the front door above my head and pushed it shut. "No, don't leave. I'm glad you're here. I was just shocked is all. I was about to take a shower. You scared the shit out of me. Did you see anything?"

"No." I lied. "I wasn't even paying attention." I looked down and saw that he had put back on the same muddied pants. I was half expecting to see him still naked.

Jacob snickered to himself and I thought maybe he knew I was lying but his words contradicted that. "Oh that's too bad. You missed a nice show."

Then the image of his privates flew back into my mind and I struggled to not let it show on my face what I was thinking. I pushed the image out immediately.

"I'm not interested in your show." I said coldly.

He was laughing and that always made me feel better. I tried to will the venom out of my voice when I spoke again. "Sorry, but I just don't want to see you in that… light."

"I look good in any light." He answered in a cocky tone. "Besides I bet you've always wondered what a _man_ looks like. Maybe we can do one of those I'll show you mine if you show me yours deals."

This was undoubtedly the Bad Jacob. My Jacob was nowhere in sight. That would make this so much harder to get through.

"I will certainly not show you mine. Anyway I'll know what a _man_ looks like sooner than you think. I can hold off until then."

When I looked up into his eyes Jacob looked visibly upset. His legs started to quiver and he grabbed my arm and shook me aggressively. Not enough to hurt, but enough to make me stand at attention.

"What are you saying Bella? Are you saying that you plan on seeing your bloodsucker boyfriend in the flesh sometime soon? I hope you mean after he turns you into a leech like him." He was angry but I had seen him angrier so I pulled myself out of his grip and sneered back up at him with the same ferociousness.

"I'm saying that it will happen when I want it to happen."

He looked at me with wide eyes and spoke calmer, "Well, when is that?"

"That's none of your business." I spat back.

"I think your safety is my business. You better not be planning on getting busy with this monster anytime soon. Bella he could kill you. You go anywhere near his dick and he will let loose and kill you. I've heard of it happening with their kind before."

What did he know about it? He didn't know Edward like I did. Edward could not hurt me and I was tired of everyone making it seem like I was this fragile little girl. Apparently nobody wanted me to have my experience. "I don't care about what you've heard Jake. You don't know Edward, he's not a monster."

With that I decided it was time to go. I came here for god knows what and it wasn't even working out the way I planned. Did I even have a plan? Damn Jacob for always ruining everything. I shouldn't have even brought it up. I tore open the door and walked a beeline to my truck. Of course Jacob followed me every step of the way.

"Stop! Come on Bella, you're so thick headed. You won't even let me speak!" He was pleading with me to listen and I found it hard to take another step towards my truck. His hold on me was still as strong as ever. I looked at him and muttered, "Go ahead, speak."

"Bella, think about it," he paused as if to come up with the proper words. "He's in _love_ with you right?"

"Right and I love him." I answered quickly. Jacob looked stung by the statement despite his prior knowledge of the fact.

"Never mind how you feel. How do you really know he loves you?"

Before I could speak he continued quickly, "I mean, he's a bloodsucker right, he has been for like a million years."

"Try like a hundred," I chimed in, but it didn't really sound much better than a million.

"Well however long he's been around, he's been living the life of a bloodsucker for too long. Do you think he even remembers being human? Having human emotions? Or better yet, was he ever in love before- when he was a human? I doubt it, he was only a kid."

That line of reasoning offended me, "Well according to you then I'm only a kid and I know what love is. So why shouldn't he?"

"Because his mind is clouded Bella. He thinks with his fangs!" Jacob yelled.

"He does _not_ have fangs you jerk," I smacked his arm. I hated when he said that. Then a thought occurred to me, _since he doesn't have fangs, just how does he rip animals open and drink their blood?_ It was something I would need to know for the days to come when I would be in the same position. Eventually I'd be a bloodsucker, as Jacob so lovingly put it, myself. I shoved the thought away for another day.

"And anyway," I started, "not everyone thinks with their body parts like you do." I didn't want to bring up the words _body parts_. I pushed the image away before it even came.

Jacob chuckled and didn't begin to dispute my accusation. He was serious when he spoke. "You still don't seem to be getting my point. I'm trying to say that your dearest Edward is clouded by his lust for you. He wants your blood and he's convinced himself that his lust for your body translates to love."

"You're ridiculous."

"Maybe it's ridiculous and maybe it's not." He looked into my eyes and he seemed sincere about his concerns. "Maybe once you guys do the deed he'll get over his lust for your body and then all that will be left..." he trailed off.

I knew what he was getting at, "He'll have his way with me and then realize- Hey I don't love her after all, time for a snack!" Honestly Jacob would say anything to make me think that Edward was a monster.

"Bella, you have to consider every possibility. He might change after you give him your body. He might not feel the same way anymore once you've," he made a face of disgust but tried unsuccessfully to mask it from me, "satisfied him."

"That's where you are wrong Jake. He doesn't even want to have sex with me!" I knew that sounded wrong but it was the first thing that popped out. I quickly corrected myself, "I mean, he _wants_ to but he doesn't make an issue out of it. He's willing to wait until I am stronger and less breakable. I am the one that wants to have sex before I change! And once I convince him, I will."

My cheeks brightened when I thought about the subject matter we were discussing. I wasn't used to talking about sex with Jacob. I wasn't used to talking about sex with anyone really. The semi sex talk I'd had with Charlie was enough to scar me for life.

Jacob looked deep in thought for a moment and then he turned and walked away.

"Wait, where are you going? Is the conversation over now?" I called after him.

He stopped and turned to address me with sad eyes. "You're crazy Bella. What is the point of trying to talk sense into you when you don't even care about your life? Whether Edward kills you by accident while he's fucking you senseless or he kills you afterwards when he's grown tired of fucking you senseless or he kills you while he's trying to turn you into a leech- you're still gonna be dead."

I tried to ignore the foul language because I figured he was trying to get a rise out of me and I refused to let him get the best of me. "I won't be dead Jake. Edward won't hurt me."

"If he somehow manages not to drain your blood, you'll still end up a bloodsucker without a heartbeat. That sounds like dead to me." He said solemnly and turned to walk away again.

I knew it would hurt him but I said it anyway, "I think you're just jealous because you want to be the one fucking me senseless."

He stopped in his tracks and started to tremble. I hoped that he wouldn't turn now because I wasn't sure just how mad I had made him. I had never feared Jacob before and I didn't want to start now but a part of me couldn't help it. The trembling stopped and he was quickly walking back to me. He stopped in his tracks a mere two inches from my face, a sneer on his lips. "You're right. I'm jealous that you want to fuck the dead guy and not me. I'm jealous that he gets your desire and I get shit when you love me just as much as you love him."

I didn't want to hurt him anymore. "I do love you Jake."

"Yeah I know, like a friend. Well I was never in this for friendship Bella. I love being your best friend but you know I was always hoping for it to turn into something more. I can't watch you throw your life away for this leech."

I didn't know what to say that wasn't a repetition of the same things I had always said. He knew what this was. I had told him time and time again that I could never be with him. It was not my fault that he insisted on torturing himself with the idea of winning me over.

I looked up and Jacob was smiling. That caught me off guard; it hardly seemed like a time to be smiling. "What are you happy about? Have you lost your mind now?"

"Remember when I kissed you?" he asked.

"Yes, and then I punched you." I answered annoyed.

"I bet your bloodsucker held you a little bit closer that night."

I didn't know what he was trying to imply but it was definitely not good. "He held me just the same, thanks. You're lucky he didn't kill you."

"He probably should have thanked me. I bet he saw a little more action than normal from you that night."

I was going to punch him again- harder this time. Not that it would make much of a difference but it would feel damn good on my end. My hand was already a mess though. Not worth it in the long run.

He kept talking, not waiting for me to speak- probably knowing he wouldn't like my response. "I got you all juiced up for him. I bet you begged him to fuck you that night."

My mouth dropped open at this and anger flooded my face. "I did no such thing and you wish you had that kind of effect on me!" I hated that his words made me feel a tiny bit excited. Edward never talked this vulgar to me. I wouldn't let him know that.

"Jacob you're walking a fine line right now. If you don't want to be my friend I understand. I don't blame you or anything. I can't give you what you want and I get that it's hard for you but you don't have to be mean to me. Just walk away."

He smiled wider and I made it a point to frown to make up the difference. "I keep trying to walk away. You won't let me. That's how I know you love me."

I guess he had a point. I did stop him from leaving. I didn't know he was going to act like this though. Anyway he stopped me from leaving first! Excuse me for trying to fix an unfixable situation. "Well feel free to leave now, I won't…"

He put his hand over my mouth, "You love me. So use me."

I was puzzled but I couldn't ask what he meant because his hand was still covering my face. So I asked with my eyes.

"Use me Bella. It will work out so beautifully." I could tell he was about to go off onto another desperate tirade.

"You can use me to learn. You're a virgin; you don't know what you're doing. If you practice with me I'll make you good for him. So good that his lust will never be satisfied because he'll want you even more than he ever did before."

I bit his hand and he hissed and took a step back. "Use you??" I asked incredulously.

"Yes, use me. Maybe you won't even want to sleep with him before you", he cringed "turn." He shook the sting out of his bitten hand and quickly began again, "Then you won't have to risk him killing you by accident. Or maybe you will want to fuck him still but either way I'll give you a good head start and he'll be so transfixed with your ability to make him feel good that he'll spare you your life."

"Jacob," I started slowly. "The better I am, I think, the more likely he is to kill me by accident." I couldn't believe I was even entertaining this conversation.

His smiled dimmed. "I guess you're right. If you're too good then he might lose control and take a bite out of you. Makes sense…"

I knew that wouldn't be enough to deter him, but I hoped it was. I hated to see him do this to himself. He was always so hopeful and it pained me.

"Anyway, you're a virgin too aren't you?" It wasn't really a question but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Yeah, so?" He tried to make it sound like it was no big deal but I could see that it bothered him. He wasn't a virgin by choice.

"So what makes you think you can teach me anything? I'm the one with the boyfriend. I'm the one who is older and more experienced. I could probably teach you a thing or two!" I wagged my eyebrows and laughed lightly.

He didn't laugh with me. He was back to being serious. "So teach me then."

"I thought this was about saving me from Edward?" I grinned because Jacob was so transparent. He was always trying to make it out like he had my best interests at heart. It was too hard for him to just focus on me though. He had needs just like I did. I couldn't hold it against him.

"Of course I want to save you from the leech but you're too stubborn." He stepped impossibly closer. "Ask me to kiss you."

This was exactly why Edward didn't want me to come here. He knew that Jacob would not ever give up. "Why would I ask you to kiss me Jake? You know I don't want you kissing me. I'm _with_ Edward! You don't seem to get that."

"I'm so inexperienced Bella. I need to learn. You can teach me. I bet you didn't like that last kiss because I didn't know what I was doing. This time I'll do better, just ask me."

My answer was simple. "No."

His face was so close I could smell his breath. I could smell his mixture of musk and metal. He smelled like the garage. He smelled like the woods. He smelled like My Jacob but he talked like the Jacob I hated. Why did he insist on doing this to me?

"Come on Bella. You love me. You want me to be happy right? I'll leave you alone. I'll let you run off with your bloodsucker. I won't be happy about it but I'll do it. I just need something to remember you by. You can be my teacher and then in the future when I'm with a girl I can think back on this and remember that you were the one. You were the only one I ever loved and the only one who held my heart. I think I'll die if you don't give me a piece of you to hold onto."

My own breath hitched but I couldn't let my resolve break. His love and want were so strong but I couldn't let them be strong enough to turn me into someone I wasn't. Then again Edwards' love was strong enough to make me want to become someone else. Was this really any different? "You won't die. You'll live. If I give in to you then you'll never be able to let go of me."

"That's where you're wrong. I'll know I tried my hardest. I'll know you tried to love me." He was touching my back now, sliding his hand down to my hip. "If you don't try I'll always wonder if I could have done more."

I wanted to make one point clear. "I'll never have sex with you Jacob."

If he was hurt he didn't show it. "That's fine. I can imagine having sex with you whenever I like. That will have to be enough."

"Do you do that often?" I asked nervously. I never really thought about what kind of fantasies he had. It never occurred to me that I was probably the star of all of them. I could only hope that the image of his huge penis didn't enter my dreams tonight, especially since I was in the habit of talking in my sleep. Edward wouldn't be happy to hear about that. I frowned as I imagined Edward's pain upon hearing me say something stupid like; _wow Jacob your dick is so big_. Did I say whole sentences like that? Or would it sound like _Jacob, big dick. _Either way I would be screwed.

Jacob misinterpreted my frown. "I'm sorry. I'll try not to think about having sex with you, if it makes you uncomfortable." He dropped his hand from my hip but didn't move away.

I was sure he was bullshitting me but I felt bad nonetheless. "No, I don't care. It's your head, you can think about whatever you want. It flatters me really." And it did flatter me. If I knew anyone else was thinking dirty things about me I would probably be disgusted. Mike probably thought of me like that. The idea was sickening to me. But for some reason I liked the fact that Jacob could be with me in his fantasies. It made up for the fact that I couldn't give him what he really wanted.

Jacob didn't need the encouragement I gave him but it made him incredibly happy. I could tell. "Well, if you put it that way- I'm thinking about making love to you right now." He whispered. He smiled widely and this time put both hands on my hips. What a predicament I had put myself in. Did I like to torture myself on purpose?

I smiled too, pure reason in my voice as I spoke. "Good for you. Enjoy it. Just remember that it'll never happen."

He laid his forehead against mine, his figure crouching lower to reach me. He was so tall that he had to spread his legs around mine and lean me back towards my truck to get the right angle. I wasn't sure how I felt about him manhandling me like this but so far he hadn't crossed any lines. Yet.

"What exactly _will_ happen?" he asked.

His hands were burning through my clothes, and his tone of voice made me figit.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what are you willing to do? You keep saying you _won't _have sex with me. That's like saying I'll come over but I _won't_ stay long. I'll go to that restaurant but I _won't_ have the steak. You wouldn't keep saying what you won't do unless you had an idea of what you will do."

He was playing tricks on my mind. I couldn't even remember how we got to the point of me proclaiming I wouldn't sleep with him. He had kept saying he wanted a piece of me. I just knew which piece he wouldn't get. Did that mean I'd give him a different piece?

"I won't do anything." I tried.

He was too quick to respond. He barely gave me time to think.

"If you won't do anything you would have said that to begin with. You just said you won't have sex with me."

"Well, I just…" I was reaching. What could I say? The image of his naked body flew into my mind again and I was unprepared this time. He was so close. His body heat was radiating off of him and straight onto me. I felt flushed and confused. The idea of him fantasizing about me and the vision of his sex were throwing me off. I had tried so hard not to think about him this way and it was all becoming too much. Now it was all I could think about. I needed more time to get my head together but he wouldn't let me.

"Ask me." His words pushed their way into my thoughts.

I tried again to think of what I could do. How I should feel in this moment. He wasn't letting me use my better judgment. My raging hormones were running the show.

"Ask me!" He said louder. His infiltrating voice was breaking my defenses. His hands on my hips moved back towards my ass and seared me like a brand. I tried to think of Edwards face and I couldn't see it. That was when I knew that I had to try this.

"Kiss me." I commanded him.

And before I knew it his lips were on mine. I was still so confused but I knew I couldn't stop my body from responding. I would definitely suffer the consequences from this once I got my wits back. How had Jacob gotten the upper hand? This was why I wasn't supposed to come here, I was sure. Edward could see into Jacob's head. He knew how cunning the boy was. He trusted my judgment but he shouldn't have. I had lost control.

My head was spinning as Jacob's tongue began to push its way into my mouth. I obliged and opened wider. His tongue was hot and sweet as it grazed against mine. His kiss was much different than anything I'd ever felt. I got dizzy and he held me up instinctually. His hands were on my ass, then on my waist, then on my neck. They felt like they were everywhere at once, claiming me.

He pushed his body against me and I could feel his hardness against my leg. If it was impossibly big while soft then it was unimaginably big while hard. I caught myself imagining it anyway. I felt tears well up in my eyes at my lack of respect for my boyfriend. I had imagined Edward before but never with such a fire in my body as there was now. Jacob's heat was no match for me. It pulled me in.

My whole body was off of the ground and wrapped around him as he began to carry me towards the house. I thought about objecting, but I didn't want anyone to witness this- so the house would be a better setting. What was this anyway? I didn't know but I didn't exactly want it to end. Once it ended I would be back in reality.

Jacob got us through the front door and closed it behind us in one swift motion. His lips never left mine as he carried me into his bedroom. I could tell he didn't want to scare me off when he put my feet back on the ground instead of laying me on the bed. He broke away from my lips and started placing kisses on my face and neck. My hands trailed up to his hair and he was suddenly kneeling before me. His eyes were level with my breasts as he kissed them through my blouse. I threw my head back breathing heavily.

He lifted my shirt up to my ribs, no further, and began placing kisses on my stomach. Neither of us spoke, scared to upset the moment. I found myself missing the feel of his erection near me. It was something I had never experienced before and never knew I wanted so badly. Edward was so careful with me that I never felt he was giving me enough. Was it Jacob that I wanted, or just the lavish attention of a man? I had ached for so long that I never thought I'd feel this good.

My underwear became soaked when Jacob dared to venture a hand between my legs. He did this slowly and almost accidentally, dipping in with his thumb first as he massaged my upper thigh. Then he pushed the back of his right hand against my mound and kissed my exposed hipbone simultaneously. My jeans were too tight suddenly; I wanted them to slide further down. I wanted them off. I felt his mouth trail to my navel and his hands come up to either side of my waistband. His hot fingers were against my skin but he didn't dare to exert pressure. One small tug and my pants would be around my ankles but he didn't move. He continued to kiss as much of my stomach that was exposed and it felt like exquisite torture. I wanted more. "Jacob." I moaned quietly. I almost didn't hear myself but I knew he heard me.

Then he was on his feet and his lips were on mine again. I felt relieved to have his body against mine; it had grown too cold and needed his heat. I was still fully dressed and so wanted not to be. This wasn't like me to want such things. I had been explicit about not giving in to Jacob's desires. I knew I could not know him in such a way but I never knew how badly I wanted to. Now I wished I hadn't come here. I was better off not knowing.

We were slowly making our way to the bed when I stopped thinking. He had one hand on my right breast as the other slid down the back of my jeans. He was becoming more brazen and it gave me a thrill. As he kissed my neck I moaned again and he pinched my nipple in response. He was better at this than I ever thought he would be. Maybe it was just that he imagined this for so long.

He separated from me and pushed me roughly back on the bed. I took the moment to catch my breath and looked up at his face. His eyes were heavy with lust but still cautious. He loved me enough to give me the chance to say no. I was tempted to. He climbed onto the bed and kneeled over me. I put a hand up to hold him at bay but when it came into contact with his leg I was mesmerized by the feel of his muscle behind those muddy pants. I looked away from his face to his pants. His penis was an obvious bulge behind the thin material. I wanted to touch it, to know what the massive thing felt like. I imagined it was hotter than the rest of his body if that was possible. _Hot and hard because of me. _I thought about him lying in this bed alone and touching it while thinking of me. I shivered at the thought and was instantly consumed by his want, yet again. I wanted him to have his experience as much as I had wanted my own with Edward.

My pause was enough to let him know to continue. He crawled up my body and kissed me harder than ever, putting all of his weight on top of me. It was too heavy and I couldn't breathe. I pushed against his chest until he lifted his weight and straddled me with his knees. He kisses never faltered; his tongue never stopped moving against mine in erotic circles. His hand left my face and he reached down to adjust his aching hard-on. I knew he must be going crazy with need but he seemed content to lavish me with all of the attention. I wondered if I could bring myself to touch him. I wanted badly to try.

I took one hand away from his chest and trailed my fingers slowly down his torso. He bit my lip as I reached his waist. He put one hand on the bed above my head to brace himself and licked my lower lip where he had bit me. I tasted blood put didn't care. Luckily that wasn't an issue with him.

My hand hesitated at the top of his pants for only a moment and then it dipped lower, slowly making its way below the waistband. His pubic hair was thick and wavy, and I paused to give it a pull. I realized I was stalling and I pushed my nerves aside, sliding my hand lower. Then I came into contact with it. His dick was hotter than I imagined. It felt solid and smooth in my hand and the sense of power I felt while holding it was intoxicating. Jacob hissed and dropped his head below my chin. I could hear his breathing change and I reveled in the knowledge that I caused that. I tentatively gave it one long stroke and he moaned above me. I moaned in response. My body was dripping juices and screaming at me for more. It was the most erotically charged I'd ever felt in my life. Every nerve was on fire in anticipation.

I stroked him again, and again. He started to speak but stopped, his brain not allowing him to form words. When I flicked my thumb over the glistening head he grabbed both of my arms and pinned them above me.

"Bella stop." He groaned, his breath coming out in pants.

I tried not to feel embarrassed. Did I do something wrong?

"Why?" I asked timidly, pushing my lower half up against him subconsciously.

"I can't take it. It's too good. Nobody has ever...I won't…" He trailed off and lowered his head back to my neck, licking me there and regaining his composure. He let go of one of my arms and used his free hand to lift my shirt up, exposing my bra. I blushed at the thought of him seeing my breasts but ultimately didn't care. He pushed the cups of my bra up and away, freeing my breasts from their confines. As he took my nipple into his mouth I groaned and pushed up against him again. He sucked at the bud and every so often stopped to lick around the flesh of my entire breast. He now held both of my arms in one hand and I felt restricted. I wanted to touch him too. I wanted him to feel as good as I did but he wouldn't let me go. I struggled against his bonds but I was no match for his strength.

"Please," I begged. He ignored me and moved his attention to my other breast, taking my nipple into his mouth and biting it softly. I cried out in pleasure and he moaned around my skin.

He let go of my arms and I grabbed onto his hair with all of my might, pulling his face back up to mine. I could barely see his eyes through his heavy lids and I wondered if my own eyes matched his. I kissed him hard, and wet. When I broke away I wanted to speak but I didn't know what to say. He hips bucked into me and I wondered where this could end up. My body was aching for a release. I took his hand from my face and tentatively placed it on the button of my jeans. I didn't know where it would lead but it was in the direction my body was screaming for.

He undid the top button. Then he slid down my body so that he was eye level with the second button. He undid that one too. My own hands flew up to my face, covering my eyes in an attempt to hide my mortification. I wouldn't let myself think about what he was doing.

He lifted my ass and pulled my jeans all the way down, taking them off and tossing them aside. My legs were stiff and straight, but he pried them apart and took my thighs into his strong hands, gently massaging me until I was more pliable.

I could feel his breath through my underwear. Another thin piece of material separated us. He breathed deeply and I knew he was purposely taking in my scent. I didn't think I could handle it any longer and then I felt his long tongue sliding up my slit through the material.

"Oh fuck," I called out. I hardly ever cursed but I couldn't help myself. Pleasure hit me like a ton of bricks. He did it again and I couldn't form words this time. I moaned loudly and pushed myself closer to his face. He licked my groin and used his hand to push my panties to the side. His tongue on my bare flesh caused me to see stars. My legs automatically gripped his head and held him in place. As he licked and sucked at my center I grabbed onto the blankets for dear life. I was grateful that we were alone in the house but I thought passersby might hear my guttural moans. I hoped briefly that _he_ couldn't hear me.

Jacob was unrelenting in his attack on my clit. He was sucking and licking with a constant pressure and I couldn't keep up. My mind couldn't comprehend the need my body felt. My release built slowly but surely. I felt him slide one long finger into my wet hole and that was the end.

"Oh god!" I cried out as I came. My legs were shuddering and my hands grabbed chunks of Jacob's hair tightly. I rode the wave of pleasure and it felt never-ending as he continued to lick me roughly. Once my orgasm had passed, Jacob's tongue felt like an electric taser. My nerves felt over stimulated and as I lay and catch my breath my body twitched from the assault.

I found my voice. "Stop… I can't… too much…" I sounded like Jacob had earlier and it reminded me that I never did get to finish my assault on him.

His tongue stopped licking me, and he began kissing my folds lightly. He kissed me there over and over. He kissed my thigh. He kissed my knee. My hormone clouded mind began drifting back to reality. I didn't want it to but it was inevitable. I ignored my need to rationalize and focused my attention on Jacob's face.

"I want to make you feel good too," I whispered gently. I wasn't about to use Jacob to get off and then leave him high and dry. He did ask me to use him though. Had he seen this coming?

"Too late." He whispered back, his tone was sad and I wondered why. I think I knew why. The evening was obviously coming to an end. I could feel it in the air.

"Why is it too late?" I tried to keep my tone light and happy.

"I came already. While I was…" I was glad he didn't finish the sentence. Doing it and talking about it were two different things.

"Oh" I said quickly. The idea of him getting off while going down on me seemed like a compliment. It made me feel good, but at the same time I wished I had more of a part in it. I wanted to see him come. I wanted to know more about his manhood and how it operated. I guessed I would never know now. This couldn't happen again.

Well, if Edward could ever forgive me this would never happen again. I couldn't bear to think about Edward right then. I would wait until I was home and alone to ponder that situation. It wasn't Jacob's fault. I had given in to my desire for him; the desire that I tried to deny ever existed. I had given him his experience and it ended up being one of the best experiences of my life. I would carry that burden forever.

I looked around the room and spotted my pants on the floor. Jacob was standing now, still wearing his muddy pants, his bulge no longer as prominent. I had never gotten to see it hard. Would I think about that often? Would I always imagine what it looked like?

I got up off of the bed and slowly walked over to retrieve my pants and slip into them.

"I guess you can finally take that shower now." I laughed half heartedly.

Jacob looked taken aback. "Oh shit, I forgot I never took a shower. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry silly. You smell great." I told him to put his mind as ease. He worried about the stupidest stuff. I wanted to know what he was thinking but I knew he wouldn't say. It didn't matter at this point. "I think I have to go. I mean it's late and Charlie will be home soon expecting dinner."

He looked sadder still. "I wish you wouldn't go."

I thought back on our conversation and remembered what he had said. He said he would leave me alone as long as I tried to be with him. Well I had definitely given it the old college try. How could I have ever been foolish enough to believe that being with him would make him leave me alone? I never truly believed that. I didn't want him to leave me alone. I wanted him to have his piece of me and hoped that would be enough.

"You know I have to go," was all I said.

"I know." He answered. "Hey at least I kept my word, right?"

"What's that?" I asked puzzled. Was he planning on never speaking to me again and really leaving me alone once and for all? I knew I didn't want that, but I would accept it if it made things easier on him.

"I said I wouldn't have sex with you. It was hard as hell not to, but I didn't."

Apparently oral sex was not sex in his book. I appreciated the sentiment anyway. "I wanted it too. I'm glad you held your ground though because I don't know if I could have held mine."

"Really?" he asked stunned. "You mean I could have pulled my dick out and you would have let me have my way with you? I could have fucked you senseless?"

The return of Bad Jacob. I knew he was never far. My Jacob and Bad Jacob were one in the same. I wouldn't have it any other way really. Bad Jacob was growing on me.

I couldn't be Bad Bella for long though. The night was beginning and my Edward was waiting for me. I had to face my future and figure out where I stood in it.

I didn't chide him, I couldn't bring myself to. Instead I walked over to Jacob and kissed him on the cheek. "Goodnight wolf."

_____

Sorry if there were any continuity errors, it's been a while since I read the books and they feel a little jumbled in my head. Feedback is appreciated. Let me know if you'd like to see a continuation on this story, or if it should be left on its own. Thanks!


	2. The Return of Bad Bella

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and did not receive compensation for this.

**Part 2: The Return of Bad Bella**

I never told Edward. I couldn't tell Edward. Where would I even begin?

I almost wished Alice's gift wasn't completely useless when it came to the wolves. Then she could have told him herself. Unless she honored her friendship with me more than her loyalty to her family, was that possible? I for one knew that anything was possible. However, Edward had known I was with Jacob that day. Clearly Alice had told him that I fell off the map completely. He wasn't even mad. He was just happy to see me safe, which felt like a slap in the face. I couldn't tell him the truth once I saw his smile.

Graduation had come and gone and I still hadn't gotten a chance to speak to Jacob. I was shocked when he then showed up to the Cullen's wildly successful graduation bash. He had given me the most wonderful present; a tiny wooden wolf charm on a silver bracelet. He had carved the wolf himself. He wanted me to keep him in the forefront of my mind. Little did he know he had already been there- ever since that day, whether I liked it or not.

I knew he probably couldn't get me off of his mind either, which was why I knew that Edward would kill him the second he slipped the bracelet onto my wrist. Surely he would look down at my hands and imagine them wrapped around him only days earlier. Would Edward be in his head when that happened? Edward would be by my side faster than the speed of sound and ready to attack.

But no violence ensued. No bloodshed. It was as if the fates were messing with me. My guilt was left to fester and linger with no end in sight. At least if he found out I could deal with him and have it be done with already.

We were surrounded by people, including Jacob's wolf brothers who eyed me with what looked like suspicion. I wondered just how much they knew and why they would think _I_ was to blame. Maybe they judged me for my actions. Maybe it was just the fact that I was celebrating my graduation with a bunch of vampires and putting all of my friends in harm's way. I was probably over-thinking things and the look in their eyes was boredom.

Jacob leaned in to me and I flinched slightly. He whispered in my ear the words I knew were coming but didn't want to hear. "Since I gave you a present, will you give me something in return?"

I shook my head and looked around for Edward. He was still upstairs with Alice trying to decipher a vision she had. I was scared to death that he would hear me so I made my words ambiguous enough so that any bystanders wouldn't read into the conversation.

"No, I believe we're done with the present giving." He was still painfully close to my ear and his heat was making me nervous.

"But I worked so _hard_ on it. You owe me something."

His subtle references were not lost on me.

"I don't owe you anything Jacob. Please leave now," I said quickly and starting walking him towards the door. I could not do this. Here of all places.

He grabbed me by my waist and turned me back towards him. We hadn't moved an inch despite my efforts and my eyes scanned the room again. My friends dancing, people eating, loud laughter- but it felt like they all could see. It felt like they all knew.

"I can't stop thinking about you. I think I need more… practice." He was talking in an even lower voice but it still felt too loud. He winked his eye suggestively and I felt my blood boil over. Could Edward sense a change in my blood temperature?

I didn't know what to say and I didn't want to start a fight so I just pleaded with him.

"Please Jake, you promised."

He let go of my waist and took a step back. "Promises are made to be broken."

With that he changed the subject to the vampire that had rummaged my room and I knew that he smelled Edward coming. I mentally thanked him for giving me that respect. He knew that Edward had no idea and he had just as much of a reason to keep him in the dark. He had to stay on good terms with the Cullens, at least for the sake of his pack.

As Edward approached and took my hand, he shot Jacob an angry look. "If you don't mind dog, could you have your little fantasies while in your own house, and not in mine?"

I masked my shock with laughter. It was the crazed laughter of a girl that was dangerously close to having a nervous breakdown.

"It's not funny love." Edward was the one whispering to me now. "It's all he ever thinks about."

"A boy can dream can't he?" Jacob answered, amused.

Edward glared at Jacob's lack of shame. "Yes, dream all you want- just not in my presence."

"Stay out of my head if you don't like what's in there." Jacob wasn't the type to back down and I wished he would just give in. Edward wasn't going to humor him any longer though. We had more important things to face. Alice's vision hadn't been good.

All I would end up remembering about that night was the despair I felt in knowing that my Edward and my Jacob would both be fighting for my life- and their own.

All Edward got out of that night was the fact that _Jacob Black could give me presents_. He was jealous for all the wrong reasons. Now I had a present from Edward to look forward to in the near future. If that didn't throw me over the guilty edge I was sure nothing would. I would have to jump off of that cliff when I came to it.

I decided the next day that I would have to make things clear to Jacob. I had to do what I originally set out to do before I completely messed everything up.

I had written a total of _five_ letters to Jacob. The first letter was an angry one. I told him how pissed off I was that he had tricked me into feeling things I shouldn't have felt, and that I would never forgive him. That one went into the trash pretty quickly. I wasn't angry with him. I was mostly angry with myself for giving in to him.

The second, third, and forth letters were half-assed apologies. They went something along the lines of; I'm sorry I led you on. Please understand I can't be with you again. Once I had gotten to the part about _being_ with him I kind of lost track of what I was saying. His hold on me was stronger than I wanted to give him credit for. It felt like that line in Star Wars. The force was strong with this one. I hated that damn movie. I ended up getting sidetracked thinking about his _force_ and fucked up those letters beyond repair.

The completed fifth letter was in my hand when the phone rang. A part of me knew who it was. My thoughts were confirmed when Charlie was yelling through the rooms, "Bella, Jacob is on the phone!"

My heart skipped a beat and a feeling of dread washed over me. Where was Edward when I needed him? He was off hunting to prepare for battle so I couldn't be mad at his absence. I paced back and forth in my room for a good minute or two and then ran to the phone. Maybe I had taken too long and he had hung up…

"Hello?" I breathed into the receiver.

"Hey." Nope, he was still there.

It was silent. Then he spoke again. "Are you wearing my present?"

"Of course, I told you I would wear it. I love it." I was sure it pleased him to no end that I would carry around his memory on my wrist. The constant reminder brought back too many memories though, and I bet he was counting on that. It worked in his favor.

His voice got quieter and I had to strain to hear it when he spoke this time.

"What are you doing now? Can you come over?"

I wanted to say no. I didn't trust myself around him anymore- not alone anyway. But how was I going to give him this letter if I didn't _see_ him? I couldn't risk mailing it and having Billy open it by chance. I had to see him alone before the big fight anyway. This had to be resolved before he went out and risked his life for me.

"I think I can come over. I do need to talk to you, and it doesn't feel right talking like this with my dad so close by," I whispered back.

"Why Bells, you plan on talking dirty to me on the phone?" he laughed. Bad Jacob reared his ugly head.

"No, jerk. You know, on second thought maybe I really shouldn't come over. I'm pretty busy.."

He cut me off, "Please come? I need to talk to you too. I need to see you. Will you come if I promise to behave?" I could hear the desperation in his voice, and he sounded like my Jacob again, so I agreed.

"I'm on my way," I answered and hung up right away before I changed my mind.

I ran back to my room to retrieve the letter and my jacket. I grabbed my keys and said goodbye to Charlie. As soon as Charlie heard the word Jacob he was waving goodbye and practically pushing me out the door. His preference for Jacob annoyed the hell out of me.

I was on the rez in no time, and had serious deja vu. Here I was again, sitting in my truck planning on having a serious talk with Jacob. Last time I was in this position it didn't work out quite the way I had planned. But I had no real plan last time. That was my biggest mistake. This time I was well equipt. I had a letter. That was enough to get me out of the truck's cab and walking to the front door of the Black's house.

I knocked once and Jacob was there in a flash. He invited me in and I walked past him into the house to find Billy sitting in his wheelchair at the kitchen table. That put me more at ease.

"Hello Bella. Good to see you," Billy said with a warm smile.

"Good to see you too Billy," I replied and smiled back, my body and soul relaxing at the mere presence of him. He didn't know just how good it was to see him. He would be my anchor to reality if Jacob's hold on me somehow got to be too much. I hated the fact that I couldn't trust myself.

Then Billy said something that wiped the smile right off my face. "I'm sorry I can't stay and chat with you kids. I promised Emily I'd pay her a visit."

"No!" I yelled out before I could stop myself. Jacob's head flipped around in my direction. He dropped the can of soda that I hadn't noticed was in his hand and started laughing a devilish laugh.

I had to say something fast so that Billy didn't think I was a crazy person.

"I mean, no! That sucks that you can't stick around. I haven't really had the chance to catch up with you lately." That was the best I could do.

"I know you love our chats Bella. I'm sure we'll have time to catch up during your next visit." He wasn't buying what I had to sell but he humored me anyway. Then he was leaving and I was stuck. So much for my anchor.

Jacob wheeled his father out and I faintly heard him mention something about Quil and fish. Then he was reentering the house and closing the door behind him. I wouldn't let him speak. The second he stood before me I closed my eyes, held out my hand and gave him the letter.

"What's this?" he asked curiously.

"Read it and you'll know."

He looked down at the paper and back up at me. He seemed unsure about what his next step should be. "Come sit on the couch with me and I'll read it."

He probably figured I was ready to bolt. I was surprised he didn't try to lock the door before we walked to the couch. He was looking at the paper again before he spoke.

"You want to go for a walk on the beach?"

"No," I muttered defsensively.

"How about paying Washington's own Taj Mahal a visit?" He asked, referring to the garage. I remembered the day he rescued me from my bodyguard Alice and we ended up talking for hours and renaming the garage. Our own little inside joke. Edward was smarter back then- he had me on a shorter leash. He should have held on to that leash a little longer. It would have saved us all a lot of misery. Not that I behaved then either. We found a way to break his hold the first chance we got. It made me realize even more how bad of an influence Jacob really was on me.

"Just read the damn letter Jake! Stop procrastinating!" I shouted, fed up with his attempts to distract me from the inevitable.

"I don't think I want to read it, Bella. How come you're so hung up on me reading this letter? You can't bring yourself to say the words out loud?" He looked as if he was anticipating pain. I was sure my face matched his. I really didn't want to hurt him. That was almost the same as hurting myself.

I pondered reading it _to_ him. Would that satisfy him? It would be more difficult for me. I didn't want to hear my own words.

He knew I was hesitant to do or say anything until he read it, so he turned back to the paper and began to focus. "Whatever, I'll read it now. Don't have a heart attack."

His eyes traveled to the top of the page and he began reading silently.

_**Dear Jacob,**_

_**First of all I'm not mad at you. **_

"I know you're not mad at me. If you were mad you wouldn't have answered the phone," he chimed in.

"Finish it all before you speak!" I objected. "I don't need a running commentary."

"Fine, fine, as you wish." He turned back to the letter and continued reading it to himself.

_**First of all I'm not mad at you. I love my present by the way, I'm wearing it now as I write this and I can't get over how talented you are to make something so beautiful. I'm so glad you came to the party and I got to celebrate my graduation with my best friend there. I wish all of this chaos wasn't going on. Someone is always trying to kill me and I'm getting really tired of needing to be saved. I couldn't ask for better protection than you, your wolves, and the Cullens. Speaking of the Cullens- I'm sure that you already know I haven't said a word to Edward about what happened. I wish you hadn't thought about me in that way in front of him. You know what he's capable of. **_

Jacob stopped reading once again and turned to face me. "I love your bloodsucker's _stop thinking dirty shit about my girlfriend_ looks. I guess he assumed I was just fantasizing about being with you. That was actually pretty funny."

"Yes, it's hysterical! My loving, trusting boyfriend is none the wiser because you always have a dirty mind. I guess I should thank you for that. Now read!"

He snickered and went directly back to the letter.

_**Anyway, the main point of this letter is to tell you that I do love you Jacob. I don't want to lose you because I love you too much. I love Edward too and I can't bear to lose him. I really can't. That's why that "stuff" can't happen again. You need to let go of this idea that we should be together. I know I've made this all harder now. I'm not stupid and I know that you're not going to give up on me like you agreed to. I should just cut you out of my life but I can't! Edward once told me that I was like a drug to him, and in some ways you are like a drug to me. You are my sunshine (I know that sounds corny, but you are!) and I don't know if I can live in a world that has no sun. I'm so sorry that I was that selfish. I got caught up in the moment and you're such a good kisser. Your hands are so strong and gentle at the same time, they mesmerize me. Your tongue, oh my god your tongue- it did things to me that I never thought could be done. Did I mention that your dick is perfect? And HUGE. I'm still dying to see it again, harder and bigger than it was in the bathroom. **_

"I knew you saw me naked in the bathroom! I knew it- you're such a naughty little liar Bells!" Jacob smirked.

I was about to yell at him again for not completing the letter before speaking when I realized what he said.

"What?" I asked, stunned. "What do you mean? How do you know that?"

_Oh no._ Oh no, no, no, no, no. I hadn't written anything about seeing him in the bathroom. I read that goddamn letter back ten times and I was sure there was nothing in there about accidentally seeing him naked in the bathroom. There was nothing in there about seeing him naked at all, period.

That was letter number _four_. I grabbed the wrong letter. Knowledge dawned on me and I jumped across the couch. What if it was letter number _three_!? I couldn't remember anymore, what had I written in which letter?

He was too fast as he leapt away from my hands. "You don't want me to read it now? You wanted me to read it _so_ bad before. I have to do what you ask!"

I flew off the couch but he was already up and running.

"No Jacob! Give it here. You're not supposed to read that one!" I was panicked. I had to get that letter back if it killed me. I chased him into the kitchen. I seriously considered grabbing a knife out of the drawer and demanding the letter back, or else. Bad Jacob was going to be Dead Jacob.

"And_ I'm_ the one with the dirty mind? If he only knew!" He was giggling like this was a game and that made me even more furious. Once he ran past me and into the bathroom I knew I was done for. It was a lost cause.

The door slammed shut, the lock flew into place and I was sure Jacob was reading the rest of it.

_**I wanted to have it in me. In my mouth or - wherever you wanted. I never felt so turned on before and it scared me. The orgasm you gave me was better than any of the times I got myself off. Now I can't stop thinking of you when I touch myself. Maybe it's because I've never done anything that dirty before. Not even with Edward. I know you jerk off and think about me and that turns me on even more. Your dick, your lips, your hands, your face- I can't believe how badly I want to be with you again even though I know I can't. And you're never going to read this because I'm never going to give this to you. Now I have to write another fucking letter. Again. **_

_**I don't want Jacob, I love Edward! Edward. Edward. Edward.**_

I was sitting on the floor outside of the bathroom when the door slowly opened. I couldn't bear to look up at him. I had a good idea of what was in that letter but it was the parts I couldn't remember that made me turn red with embarrassment.

"I love Edward," I sighed. It was the only thing I knew and the only thing I could bring myself to say.

He walked over to me and leaned against the wall. "I know, I read that part."

"You weren't supposed to read any of that. That wasn't the right letter." I took a deep breath to keep my voice from breaking. I saw his feet moving out of the corner of my eye and then he was standing directly in front of me. I kept my gaze down.

"It sounded pretty good to me. You're one hell of a letter writer," he whispered, a hint of laughter in his voice.

"It was just thoughts. It doesn't mean anything. It doesn't change anything." I wasn't in the mood for his playfulness. I was pissed off. Why had I even written those words down? Wasn't it bad enough having those thoughts floating around in my head?

"Are you never going to look at me again?" he joked.

I let out a grim chuckle, "Maybe not."

I was losing it. I needed someone to enter my brain and cleanse it of the dirty thoughts. I needed some kind of voodoo doctor to take this spell Jacob had over me away. But Jacob was the one I turned to when I was losing control. He was the one that set my head straight and made me feel whole and okay. I felt like I was caught between a rock and a hard place.

"I need _my_ Jacob," I muttered to myself. He swiftly reached down and grabbed me, making me stand. He had my face in his hands, willing me to look him in the eyes but I still looked away.

"I'm here!" he said exasperated. "If you need me you can have me. I offer myself to you every time I see you. I can't believe that after everything that's happened you're still so fucking stubborn."

He twisted himself so that he was right in my face and I was unable to look away as he kept speaking. "I can give you everything you need, just stop trying to pretend you don't want me Bella!"

He was right but I still couldn't accept it. I pounded my small fists against his broad chest in a fit of rage that could not be controlled. I wanted to hit him for making me feel this way. For reading that letter after I told him to stop. For making it necessary to write a stupid letter to begin with. For making me feel so confused and so ashamed, and unable to be as sure about my life as I once was.

He took the beating even though I was sure he could have stopped me at any point. Not that it hurt him in the slightest- I was a light weight compared to him. Once I had spent up all of my energy on thrashing against him, my arms started to give out. The weight of my head became too much and it hung back as I gasped for breath. My arms were lifeless against his chest and all I could do was say the words I knew to be true again.

"I love Edward."

"I know," he whispered- but he kissed me anyway.

I was so weak; I didn't think I'd be able to stop him. I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I wasn't sure of anything anymore these days. His tongue was on my lips prying them open and they offered little resistance to his efforts. I kissed him back. When he broke away for air I tried again. "I love Edward."

"Who are you trying to convince?" He captured my mouth with his again, not giving me the chance to reply.

His lips were tantalizingly smooth and sure. His mouth knew what it wanted. Jacob always knew what he wanted. I couldn't be so lucky. I tried to think of Edward's face and again I couldn't visualize it, just like the last time. I wondered if maybe it was the same as Alice. Maybe Jacob's inner russet wolf was causing me to have mental blockages. Maybe I couldn't see what I really wanted to see because he was here.

That wasn't likely. I wasn't a vampire. I had no abilities. I was dumb, stupid, regular old Bella. I was a human with wants and needs. What I wanted and what I needed just didn't seem to line up properly. I needed Edward, but right now in this moment I wanted Jacob. I wanted him badly and I couldn't deny that anymore. This was why I should have just mailed the letter. I knew this would happen and a small part of me _wanted_ it to happen.

Jake was murmuring against my mouth with each kiss and I had to strain to hear him over my own heartbeat.

"He can't touch you like this… He can't taste you… I want more than just a piece of you… I want all of you Bella… I can make you feel good… He doesn't have to know…"

I opened my mouth wide and let him in. I kissed him feverishly and passionately. I sucked his tongue and licked his lips and took him in like he was air and I was drowning. He had saved me from drowning once before, and it felt like he was saving me all over again. Edward saved me from every outside force that was compelled to threaten my existence but Jacob always seemed to save me from myself. He knew what I wanted more than I did. Or at least he convinced me that I wanted it.

"He'll never find out. I swear." He was still whispering to me, pushing his legs between mine and fighting his way into my space- into my head. I ran my hand along his cheek and noticed my wolf charm dangling. It was the same color as his skin. Now when I looked at it I would be reminded of this day.

He could sense that my guard was down and he became more aggressive. He lifted me up and threw me against the wall with a bang. It felt like Jacob was all that filled my senses. I heard him groaning into my mouth. I tasted his sweetness. I felt his hot hands gripping my thighs wrapped tightly around his waist. I smelt his familiar smell invading my nostrils and bringing with it the memories of the last time I was here. Now as if reading my mind he offered me a vision, one that had been on my mind ever since that day.

"You still want to see my dick? Like you said in the letter…" He was licking my lower lip in a teasing manner as he spoke.

I was sure of what I would say but not sure if I could bring myself to say it. Maybe once I knew, then the images wouldn't plague me any longer.

"Are you hard?" I asked and I didn't recognize my own voice. I sounded like some temptress. It reminded me briefly of the day I flirted with a younger Jacob on the beach. How far we had come from that day…

"Are you kidding? Like a rock," he responded huskily.

He began outlining my ear with his tongue and sliding the hand that wasn't holding me up down into the back of my pants.

"I am curious..." I announced.

I thought maybe he'd be embarrassed and hesitate but he did no such thing. He dropped me down onto my feet and scurried back a few inches, briskly unbuttoning his jeans.

"Anything you want," he said as he pushed his pants down past his knees and promptly tossed them aside. He was wearing boxers. I guess he had formally dressed because he knew I was coming over. It occurred to me then that he actually had a shirt on. Did I not notice this the whole time I was here?

It looked foreign on him. "Take that shirt off," I demanded.

He removed his hand from the waistband of his boxers to quickly discard his shirt along with the jeans. The fact that he would do anything I asked made my pulse quicken. He walked past me into his bedroom and gestured for me to follow. I couldn't fight it now. I followed him but stood in the doorway. I felt that if I entered the room I might lose myself completely.

His hands returned to his boxers but now his eyes were on my eyes. His stare was blazing and it made a sheen of sweat form on my forehead. He had the ability to impose his heat onto me from across a room.

Just as he was about to remove his last article of clothing, he paused. I witnessed his gaze change from lustful to calculating.

"What did the real letter say?" he asked suddenly.

I didn't have time for that. I couldn't stop to think or I might come to my senses. I stalked up to him and attempted to pull his boxers down myself. He stopped me and grabbed my hand, holding it up to his face. He took my middle finger and pressed it between his lips, drawing it into his mouth. I watched him suck it, captivated. He would deny me one thing, but offer another to hold me in my trance.

"Was it bad? Did it say you never wanted to see me again?" he questioned me, his voice still oozing want, despite what he was asking.

He placed my fingers back down to the waist of his boxers, but kept his hand on top of mine in case I chose not to answer. I was curious to see what he would do if I _did_ choose not to.

"No. It wasn't like that. I always want to see you," I replied dutifully.

He let go of my hand and placed both of his arms behind his back. "So see me."

I fought back my slight fear of the unknown and hooked my fingers into his boxers, languidly pulling them down to the floor.

My mouth dropped open when I took in the sight of him. His cock was absurdly thick and large. It was impractical for him to be blessed with such a large penis. It most certainly wouldn't fit anywhere. I gawked at it blatantly and he began to laugh.

"You like it?"

I felt embarrassed at my reaction so I nodded as casually as possible. "It's so big. Like the rest of you." I gestured up and down with my hand but my eyes were still glued to his nether regions.

He closed the small space between us and began to kiss my neck; he seemed to be blissfully unashamed of his nudity. He spoke into my skin, "Well it's only half hard right now. After all that talking I lost a little momentum, you know?"

_What? _Half hard, what did that even mean? That sounded like he meant it got bigger. Any images I held in my mind of him were way off. I didn't have much comparison though, maybe it was just me. I was so inexperienced that I didn't know guys were walking around carrying so much _heat_. I felt very overwhelmed. I wished Edward would have let his guard down at least once. Maybe I wouldn't be here now. I'd have no desire to know Jacob in this way. What a bitch I was, blaming my boyfriend for the fact that I was cheating on him. _If I had just told him about the first time I wouldn't be here,_ I thought. He'd have me under lock and key. It was all clearly my fault. Everything was my fault.

I realized I should say something. Something had to be said. Here I was back in the same predicament, my hormones raging and Jacob's mouth exploring me. He was standing behind me now- one of his hands had snaked into my shirt and the other was holding up my hair so he could kiss the back of my neck fully. I was getting wetter by the minute and pretty soon I wouldn't be able to speak up.

"I don't know what to think." I said simply. The first thing I could think of- that I was unable to think rationally.

He was edging his way into my pants. I felt his fingers dip into my panties and my stomach tightened as a wave of desire rushed through me.

"Think this- I'm a good kisser. My hands mesmerize you. My tongue does things." As he said the words he did something with his tongue in my ear that made me moan.

So _that_ was the letter I had given him. I recalled writing those words. I had written a lot more than that. My cheeks flushed and I felt self conscious again. If he noticed he didn't show it. He turned me to face him. He was pure sex now- his eyes liquid pools under heavy lids and they urged me to follow suit.

Did he think because I had asked him to take off all of his clothes that I would be having sex with him? I would think that if I were him. My words and actions implied as much. Last time we were here I had given him the impression that he could have _fucked me senseless_ if only he had made the attempt. I should have discouraged that more. He would fuck me_ unconscious _with that big dick of his. My small body was no match for that massive thing. Besides, I was saving myself for Edward. I took a small step back.

Jacob noticed my trepidation and pulled me against him. We fell onto the bed.

"I'm still not going to have sex with you," I muttered, my eyes falling shut as he slid his rough hands over my breasts.

He was blatantly ignoring my statement. He guided me on top of him so I was straddling his legs. If I hadn't still been fully dressed I would have been worried. My favorite sweatpants were my new anchor to reality.

"Touch it if you want," he said, glancing down at his penis with a sly smile. I felt like he was toying with me now. That damn letter gave me away. He would use it to his advantage as much as he could.

"Won't you just come right away then?" I asked, trying to sound sarcastic but sounding more disappointed.

He didn't seem offended by my jab. "Not this time, I whacked off right before you got here."

"You did?" I asked curiously, my mental images of him returning.

He reached up and traced my lips as he spoke. "I knew you couldn't resist me for long. I wanted to be able to last for you. Incase…"

He was tempting me. My mind filled with thoughts of Jacob fucking me. Removing my clothes, licking me the way he had the other day- perfectly perfect. That would get me hot and bothered and _ready_. I'd probably beg for his big dick then. He would be nothing but eager to give it to me. He'd slide it into me slowly, teasing me. It would hurt but I knew it would feel better than good. I'd had worse pain- that I was sure of. Once the pain subsided it would be only pleasure. It would be like in the movies I snuck and watched when I was younger and Renee was asleep. I'd scream and pant and demand that he give me more, and he would. He was capable of giving me anything I wanted- he wasn't Edward. But that was why I couldn't do it- he wasn't Edward.

I reached a tentative hand out and grazed his hardness anyway. I was already here; it was pointless to turn back now. He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes. I began to stroke him and stared at his face as he became lost in ecstasy.

He was so beautiful to me. Not in the same way Edward was beautiful. Edward's beauty was beyond anything I could imagine. His beauty held no comparison to anything in this world. That was the nature of what he was. It was one of his many gifts- or curses depending on how you looked at the ability to blind victims with your beauty. A part of me knew his hold on me wasn't entirely my own choice. It didn't matter. I could never get over the fact that he had chosen _me_. I had no such advantages on my side and yet he found me beautiful and wanted to be with me.

Jacob's beauty was something else entirely. His face reminded me of a sunset. He reminded me of playing in the mud and eating my favorite food. His beauty was pure and angelic and made me feel like I was home- no matter where I was.

Jacob broke me out of my thoughts when he flipped me over onto my back. I looked up at him and he was back in that complete sexual state. I had put him there. He was Bad Jacob times ten. He started grasping at my sweatpants. My hands flew down and grabbed back. I was pulling up and he was pulling down but I was weak and he had the strength of a werewolf, so I lost. I watched my anchor fly across the room.

"Jacob no," I gasped as he dug his hand into my panties and roughly rubbed my swollen clit. I hadn't realized how wet and turned on I was. My body never stopped to think the way my mind did.

His actions slowed but he didn't stop his frenzy.

"Please Bella," he groaned. "I need this. I need you." He flew down my body before I could object and took my underwear with him. I was about to sit up when he threw my legs over his shoulders and starting devouring me with his mouth. My upper half hit the bed and my back arched automatically at the sudden sensation.

He was plunging his tongue into my wetness at a rapid pace and it felt like heaven on earth. Then his face was in front of mine and he was kissing me until I was dizzy with lust. I could taste myself on his lips but I didn't care. I felt him slip his hand between my legs and thrust his finger into me. I groaned into his mouth and that really fueled his fire. He thrust two fingers into me and my lower half rose off of the bed in shock and smacked into him.

It occurred to me that my mental images were coming true. He was getting ready to fuck me. I pulled my face as far back as I could so I could speak but his lips followed me and refused to let go. I had to reach up and pull his hair as hard as I could to get his attention. He broke free from my mouth and gasped for the air he had been denying himself.

I was gasping too. "Jake… you promised…."

He grunted, frustrated, and sat up on his knees pulling my body along with him so I was flush against him, my center slamming into the smooth underside of his penis. The friction felt amazing on my over-stimulated privates.

"I promised but…he's going to have you forever, Bella! I'll be dead and he'll still have you. He can do this for eternity. When a thousand years go by you won't remember _kissing_ some boy back in Washington. I'll remember you for as long as I live but you don't even plan on living the rest of the year out. You plan on dying and spending eternity with _him_."

So this was never just about giving him a piece of me; giving him something to remember me by. This was about burning his memory onto _me. _It was just like the bracelet. He wanted me to remember him forever. He wanted a piece of my forever with Edward.

"Please Bella, make love to me. Let me be your first. You never forget your first."

_Promises are made to be broken_; his earlier words rang through my clouded mind. I could never resist him. He never let me. He always found a way to make his want the most important thing in my life.

I made up my mind then and there as I pulled him back on top of me.

I would choose Jacob in my human life and I would choose Edward in my eternal life.

I had no idea that at the same moment Edward had returned from his hunt and was entering my empty room. He picked up the piece of paper on my desk- thinking I had left it for him- and read it.

_**Dear Jacob,**_

_**First of all I'm not mad at you. I love my present by the way! I'm so glad you came to the party and I got to celebrate my graduation with my best friend there. I wish all of this chaos wasn't going on. Someone is always trying to kill me and I'm getting really tired of needing to be saved. I couldn't ask for better protection than you, your wolves, and the Cullens. Speaking of the Cullens- I'm sure that you already know I haven't said a word to Edward about what happened. I wish you hadn't thought about me in that way in front of him at the party. You know what he's capable of. Don't think he won't kill you just because I "asked first." I know you probably think you could take him but that's foolish. Anyway, the main point of this letter is to tell you that I do love you Jacob. I don't want to lose you because I love you too much. I love Edward too and I can't bear to lose him. I really can't. That's why that "stuff" can't happen again. You need to let go of this idea that we should be together. I know I've made this all harder now by giving in to your desire. I'm not stupid and I know that you're not going to give up on me like you agreed to. I should just cut you out of my life but I can't! I understand that you're desperate to save me from my choices and you want me to choose you but I don't choose you Jacob. I choose Edward. I'm going to become a part of the Cullen family and Edward is going to be the one to bring on my change. He's given me one condition and I've decided I'm going to follow through with it. I'm going to marry Edward. The next time he brings it up I'm going to agree to marry him. So you have to give up ok? **_

_**Please don't fight me on this and please don't bring up what happened anymore. Remember, I love you always! You will always be my best friend Jake.**_

_** Love, Bella**_

* * *

A/N: I was going to leave this as a one shot but I figured I'd give it a chance and keep going. As always, feedback is appreciated.  
In keeping with SM's tradition of music recommendations, my companion songs for this story are (in a somewhat particular order):

It Ends Tonight - The All American Rejects (Bella)  
Best I Ever Had - Vertical Horizon (Jacob)  
Shadowboxer - Fiona Apple (Bella)  
Like a California King - Everclear (Jacob)  
What Would Happen - Meredith Brooks (Bella)  
I Want You - Third Eye Blind (Jacob)

I'm a big music fan and I highly recommend these songs, story or no story.


	3. The Return of Bad Memories

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I did not receive any compensation for this story.

**The Return of Bad Memories**

"Yes."

I got the word out before Jacob's mouth was on mine again. I was constantly gasping for air and whenever he broke away from me and I had the chance to breathe, I took it. The word didn't even sound legible to me amidst the sounds of my ragged breathing and my sweat soaked body sliding against his. His temperature was turning me into a puddle but I couldn't break away.

Every inch of me was touching him somewhere. My hands were sliding down his muscular back. My legs were wrapped around him, one foot laying flat against his backside. My shirt was caught around my neck, because neither of us had taken the time to remove it- and my breasts were pressed against him tightly. The effect his heat had on me was like the worst fever I'd ever had. Every nerve in my body felt raw and exposed. The slightest touch of his hand set my skin on fire. When he used his mouth on me it was like adding fuel to the fire. The sensations were too much but still not enough. I wanted more.

We were no longer talking so I wasn't even sure if my voice was registering with him. He seemed like he was in another world altogether, completely focused on his primal instincts.

My breath caught in my throat as I watched his body move above me, and I felt his cock slide along my inner thigh. I buried my head in his chest in anticipation, my face instantly growing hotter.

I dared to stick my tongue out and taste his skin hoping some preoccupation would stop the oncoming pain, and then he was moving away. His mouth reclaimed mine and I moaned in frustration.

Then my hands were suddenly touching his hair and the hot skin of his stomach was sliding against my pussy, drawing out my longing. His mouth was on my nipple and his hands were traveling down my sides leaving trails of goose bumps. I felt a new wet heat pool between us as he sucked at my breast, his hands now coming up to rest on the backs of my thighs. I knew the wetness was from me. I couldn't believe how ready I was.

"Yes," I cried out again.

He leaned his body weight forward and I was suddenly very flexible. My knees were almost touching the bed as he dragged my legs with him to rest his hands on either side of my face.

"I know," he said, his voice thick with desire.

Then he was kissing me again and I knew that he didn't know. He thought I was merely proclaiming yes in response to his ministrations. When he left my lips to place kisses on my collarbone I tried again.

"I mean, my answer is yes."

He took my words in but still continued to kiss me. When he was licking my jaw a light bulb seemed to go off in his head.

"Yes?" he whispered slowly into my skin. Then he shot back onto the balls of his feet and my legs dropped onto the bed, relieving the tension in my muscles.

"Yes?" he asked louder. "You're saying yes?"

I nodded. I had just said it three times and somehow he still didn't believe me. Well, I really didn't believe myself either. I brought my hands up to cover my breasts subconsciously.

"Are you sure?" His looked like he was in shock. I smiled at his expression but internally cursed him for daring me to think things through. Was he crazy? I was never more _unsure_ of anything in my life. I was willing to take the risk of an eternity of regret. I was the crazy one.

I looked him in the eyes and said, "I'm positive."

There was no need for him to know about my doubts. My body was screaming for it and that could _not_ be wrong. All he needed to know was that I wanted his memory to be with me forever.

"You suck at lying," he whispered back, but he didn't seem to care as long as I claimed to be sure.

I could see that Jacob was actively trying to hold his composure. His eyebrows furrowed and he glanced down at my naked body. Attraction emanated from his stare but there was more behind it.

"I won't hurt you," he stated matter-of-factly.

I watched him raise his hand to his face and use his long tongue to wet his palm. His hand trailed down to his dick and his wet palm worked over the head. It was a sight I never thought I'd see- Jacob touching himself. It was beyond erotic. I felt more wet heat spill out of me and a spot of moisture formed on the sheets under my ass.

I propped myself up on my elbows to get a better view of him. At the sound of movement he looked up from what he was doing and caught my lust filled eyes.

"I don't have anything like…lube." he smiled seductively, crawling closer to me on the bed. "Unless maybe…you want to use your mouth. I think you said something in that letter about, you know, whatever I wanted."

I knew what he was getting at. I had thought about that many times since the day I saw him naked in the bathroom. I looked down at him and parted my lips slightly, unsure if I'd even be able to get his thickness into my mouth. I felt a rush of fear at the thought of actually attempting to go down on him. He was such a natural at the art of oral sex; I didn't want to come up short. I opened my mouth as wide as I could to try to gauge the possibility of taking him in.

He started laughing. It made me feel a little foolish.

"I was just kidding. You don't have to," he said, as he licked his palm again, more thoroughly.

I felt a slight twinge of rejection. So apparently he didn't think I was capable anyway. I reached out and grabbed his hand before it connected with his penis and looked up at him intensely. "What if I do want to?"

"Then I'll _really_ be your slave for life." He groaned in approval, and I knew that he probably didn't think I wasn't capable. He probably thought I'd never agree.

For all the times Jacob seemed so sure of my love for him, he certainly didn't seem sure that I'd be willing to please him in such a selfless way. _Don't you do that for someone you love?_ I thought. He was eager to do it for me. Was giving him a blow job more a statement of love than offering to _fuck him_? It didn't make sense but most of the things men did and thought were confusing to me anyway.

I guided him onto his back to further prove that this was going to be completely selfless act on my part. I wasn't doing this just to lube him up for me. I was doing this because I wanted him to feel as good as he made me feel.

"Sorry if I don't do it right," I said shyly.

"Not possible," he muttered quietly, his eyes starting to close as I took him into my hands again. I was stunned by how familiar his dick was starting to feel in my hands. I was already getting used to the feel of it, and the girth of it. It was less intimidating now, and more satisfying. I felt a boost of confidence and leaned over, my face a mere inch away from him.

A drop of cum was forming at the head and I felt compelled to taste it. I stuck my tongue out and lightly grazed the top.

Jacob hissed at this, his body undulating beneath me. His hand flew to my head, and his fingers combed through my hair. I glanced up to see if he was trying to get a better view, but his eyes were still closed.

I let my mouth fill with saliva, and with sheer determination I opened it widely and stuffed as much of him in as possible. I barely made it halfway down and it was too much. I gagged a little and quickly pursed my lips tightly to recover. On my way back up I felt Jacob's hands grabbing the tops of my arms. He pulled me up his body and I was suddenly facing his open flustered eyes.

"I think I was wrong about that whacking off thing," he sputtered. "I don't want to cut things short, but..." He looked a little disappointed by his lack of self control.

"You want to go out with a _bang _right?" I finished his thought. "Well, next time…" and I cut myself off just as fast.

_Next time? _There wouldn't be a next time! Why had it even occurred to me that we might have a next time? I was going to marry Edward and become a part of the Cullen family as soon as the fight with the newborns was done and over with. With the fight looming in the near future and all the preparations for my new life to be dealt with, I would not be able to have a next time. This would be the one and only time. I began to speak, to take back the words but he was already kissing me. The damage was done. I had given him a spark of hope.

When we parted lips, he didn't mention it. I guessed that maybe he knew better. He finally pulled at the material hanging around my neck, lifting it over my head and bringing it up to his nose. He looked deep in thought but he didn't say anything.

I suddenly noticed the heat of his skin pressing against me. I had gotten a break from it for a short time. I felt his hands toss my shirt to the side and move to grab the flesh of my ass. It felt good to have his heat surrounding me again. The fingers of his right hand parted across my cheek and slid down lower, to my core. He slid one finger down the length of my slit.

"Wow, you're _so_ wet Bella," he breathed, suddenly realizing I was just as turned on as he was.

He brought his hand to his face and put the drenched finger into his mouth, sucking it clean. I marveled at his ability to arouse me so completely. It made me even wetter.

"We don't need any lube- I think you're good to go," he explained. He pulled my legs up from their lying position and shifted me so I was straddling his hips. I felt the nervous anticipation build up again.

He was speaking and I made myself focus so I could hear him. "…This way you can go as far as you want. I won't hurt you by accident."

I wasn't sure if he was trying to make me think of Edward hurting me _by accident_ or if he was really just trying to avoid my pain. Either way I wouldn't allow myself to read into his words. I tuned him out again, and looked down towards his hardness.

I had to take the plunge. It was like standing at the edge of the cliff, about to jump off and I had to make the conscious decision to throw caution to the wind and risk my life. I _was_ actually risking my life- this decision could change everything.

I lowered myself and his hand was there to guide me onto him. I felt the resistance in my body as his cock pressed against my opening, slowly invading my space. I figured that it must be like ripping off a band aid; the slower I went the more the pain would linger. The longer I stood at the edge of the cliff the more my fear would swallow me. I had to just _jump._

I slammed myself down onto his cock and lost all of the air in my lungs.

"Bella..." Jacob gasped my name, and I felt his fingers dig into my hips roughly, holding me still. I couldn't begin to feel the pain of his grip because I felt like I had been split in two.

I could not move, or think, or speak. The pain took the place of his heat and flooded my senses and I used all of my mental ability to will it away. I closed my eyes and fought back any tears that might come. I stayed completely still because I knew if I moved it would make it worse. I stood that way for as long as it took to make every last bit of pain fade away. When I felt confident enough to try to move I opened my eyes to see if Jacob would object. Jacob looked angry, which I was not expecting.

"What?" I asked him, my voice barely loud enough to sound concerned.

"Didn't you hear?" he asked me.

As soon as he finished speaking I heard a loud howl rip though the woods outside. Jacob sat up rapidly. The shift in position made the ache within me come back momentarily. I grabbed his shoulders and tried to make him face me and not the window.

"What is it?" I asked again, more concerned this time. The cry of the wolf outside was not a happy one.

"I smell it now. It's getting closer," He growled, more to himself than in response to my question. I knew instantly what he could smell- vampire.

Jacob's body started to shake underneath me. "I could only smell you. Fuck!"

He started going into convulsions and he fell back on the bed, his arms flying up to grab the headboard tightly in an attempt to restrain his automatic natural response.

My head was spinning. My body began to respond to his vibrations, and waves of pleasure started to hit me. Jacob's eyes locked on me and the realization of what was happening dawned on him. We were connected and he was going to shift into wolf form.

I couldn't separate the fear from the titillation. The pain was mixed with a newfound pleasure that I could never describe. He was hitting something inside of me that felt so good.

"Bella, I never thought in a million years I'd say this but you need to get off my dick," he implored me through his tremors.

"I know!" I screamed. I bit my lip and pushed through the waves, finding my strength. He let one hand slip from the headboard, and focusing all of his attention he steadied it and helped me ease my way off of his quivering body.

"Please don't go out there," I pleaded with him when I was finally standing to the side of the bed. My body felt like I was experiencing aftershocks, and I leaned against the wall to steady myself. If somehow Edward knew, and was waiting for him out there…I couldn't live with myself if…

Jacob ignored my plea and shot up out of the bed, running out of the room in a blur. I quickly took off after him. Halfway through the living room I realized I was naked.

I ran back towards his room and saw his discarded shirt lying on the floor on my way. I grabbed it and threw it on faster than I thought I would ever be able to, and I took off running again. When I got to the front door that was swung open I could see Jacob had transformed already and was about to disappear into the woods. I'd never catch him.

I had to do something. I ran towards him anyway.

I was running so fast that I couldn't breath. My feet were getting a beating from the hard ground below me and I prayed that I wouldn't get cut on a branch or fall and lose my pace. I tried to ignore the dull ache inside of me as I ran.

I couldn't see Jacob anymore; he was too far ahead of me. I heard a different wolf cry out to my left and felt my fear creep back up on me. What if this had nothing to do with Edward? What if the newborns were coming _now_?

The thought almost made me start running in the other direction. But what if it _was _Edward? I had to try to mediate. I had to stop them.

* * *

Jacob reached the end of the forest to find the source of the vampire smell. Edward had purposely led him to this point; the border.

"Where's Bella?" Edward asked the wolf before him.

Jacob didn't have to speak to be heard. His thoughts were loud and clear.

_She's wherever she wants to be. I know you were on my land- I could smell you. I should kill you now._

Seth Clearwater joined Jacob's side but kept his stance non-aggressive. Edward wasn't exactly calling them out; he had crossed back onto his side of the border.

"She has chosen to be with me so clearly she's not where she wants to be. I would kill you myself but I wouldn't want to upset her."

_Don't be so sure about what she's chosen._

"I happen to have it in writing."

_I have a few things in writing too._

"I smell her blood through your stench. I know she's here somewhere. If she's hurt you'll be paying for it with body parts, mongrel."

_I would never hurt her, unlike you plan on doing. Blood? Was she bleeding? Ooooh maybe from…Edward Edward Edward. That's what Bella does when she's trying not to think of something. Edward Edward Edward_

"I don't care about your pitiful thoughts. I don't want to know what you think is happening. Do you have any idea how hard I'll fight for her? She's the most important thing to me in this world."

"_If she's so important to you then you should let her live her life."_

"I fully intend on letting her do whatever she wants to do. No matter what pain it may cause me. That's the reason I left to begin with. I'll stay as long as she wants me to stay."

"_So if she chooses me, you'll leave us both alone?" _

"If she comes to a decision and tells me that she no longer wants to be with me, I will let her go. I don't believe that will ever happen though. Sorry to say it."

Jacob filled his mind with images of Bella laid out on his bed, moaning in ecstasy.

_Sorry to say it, but I think I might have an advantage. I can give her what she wants._

"She is a human teenager. I can't blame her for that. Once she is like me she won't have to worry about any dogs sniffing around her. You obviously use her weaknesses against her."

_I love her. That's all that matters to me. _

"If it was up to you that might actually mean something."

* * *

I could hear a voice in the distance. I slowed my run to a crawl and perked up my ears.

It was Edward. I stopped dead in my tracks and quickly hid behind the nearest tree. Here I was half naked on the reservation and Edward _knew_ I was here. He wasn't fighting with Jacob. His voice sounded calm and collected. He must have come here to find me. I couldn't let him find me like this. I could run back to the house and change- or I could stay and listen to his voice. I wanted to know, was he jealous? Did he suspect something? Did he not love me anymore? I braced myself for the worst.

* * *

Jacob noticed a change in Edward's face and knew that Bella had followed him there.

He could pick up the scent of her sex now, as the breeze blew by. Edward could definitely smell her as well.

_She's behind me somewhere, close by. Probably listening._

"I'm aware of that."

_Let's end this conversation now. She doesn't have to know what you know. I don't even know what you know. You obviously aren't going to throw a fit and leave her like I was hoping for, so what's the point in discussing this. You both get exactly what you want. Everybody lives happily ever after- except me. Two out of three ain't bad._

"I don't know what you're referring to. I'm just looking for Bella. I know that she feels safe here when I'm away."

_Yeah I guess that's a good way to take it. You could try to sound more convincing though. You're as bad a liar as she is._

"Well, if that's how she feels- I guess I'll have to leave with my family again. I'll give her a fair shot at a normal life with you."

_What the hell are you doing? She can HEAR you asshole. She doesn't want you to leave._

"I know. I told you I wouldn't fight fair."

He whispered the last part so that only Jacob could hear.

* * *

Leave again? He planned on leaving again? I couldn't bear it. Clothes or no clothes, I took off running in the direction of his voice. I had to see him; I had to stop him from doing something ridiculous like leaving again.

"Wait, no!" I screamed. I didn't know how much time I had. Last time he left so abruptly. I barely had time to argue with him and then he was gone. I wouldn't let that happen this time.

I could hear Jacob growling as I reached them. Edward face didn't look mad, he looked more… amused. What the hell had Jacob told him? I wished I could read minds, if only for this minute in time.

"Bella look at you, you're going to get sick running around like that." Edward said with nothing but affection in his voice. He was always worried about my well being. Did he not question what the hell I was doing wearing Jacob's shirt and nothing else? He couldn't possibly trust my judgment _that_ much.

"I'm sorry! Don't leave. Don't ever leave me." I was crying now. The thought of going back into that black hole of despair once he left was overwhelming. I'd never make it out again.

Edward's voice soothed me, "I won't leave you. I was only telling Jacob that if he was right and that you preferred him to me, then I wouldn't stand in your way."

"No! I prefer you. I need you." I said, turning to glare at the wolf next to me. He whined at my hard stare and backed away a few steps.

Jacob had promised he wouldn't let Edward know. He promised me that Edward wouldn't find out any of this. I guess I was stupid to believe that was possible. Jacob would tell me anything to get what he wanted. But how could he tell Edward to leave knowing full well that it would kill me. He was there when I went through my darkest hours. He just wanted me to himself; he didn't care about my feelings.

I grabbed Edward into a hug and chills ran up my spine. He was so cold and stiff. I wasn't mentally prepared for the feel of him. I had gotten too used to Jacob's embrace the last few hours. They were like polar opposites. Edward hugged me back briefly but then pulled away and held me at arm's length. This made me nervous.

"Are you mad at me? Well, of course you're mad! You can punish me any way you see fit. Just don't take off again, okay?" I had to make it up to him somehow. I had to let him know that I would do anything he wanted to make it up to him. He just couldn't stop loving me.

"I'm not going to punish you Bella. Your smell is so intoxicatingly strong that I need you to be cautious with me right now." He smiled and I became lost in his gaze. "I'm mad that you fell for his mind games but it was to be expected. You're only human and he is very manipulating. You are a magnet for trouble. I won't allow my temper to affect our future over something as trivial as a puppy. I'll never leave you as long as you'll have me"

I heard Jacob shift back behind me but I refused to turn around and see him in the flesh. I knew that he hadn't tied any clothes to his leg before he ran out of the house. _The house we just had sex in_, I couldn't stop the thought from entering my brain. I had sex with Jacob. Short lived sex but- he _was_ inside of me. Edward said my scent was too strong, was it because of that? I wished I had thrown on my underwear before I ran after him.

"Bella don't fall for his shit. He's the one playing mind games with you. He has been from day one!" Jacob's words brought me out of my thoughts.

"Shut up Jake! This has gone way too far. I can't jeopardize my future anymore. It was stupid of me to come here today. I just had to tell you that my choices were final." I answered him, hoping my tone would convey my need for him to keep his mouth shut about what happened. Edward was taking all of this very well and I couldn't allow Jacob to push him any further.

He huffed and walked up to me. I could feel his hot heavy hand on my shoulder as he spun me to face him. Edward snarled next to me and I prayed that this wouldn't come to blows.

I turned to see Jacob holding his other hand over his crotch and felt relieved that I didn't have to see him fully. This was hard enough.

"You have options Bella. You'll always have the option of being with me. You want to be with me, otherwise you wouldn't…"

I raised my hand and quickly covered his mouth to stop him from finishing.

"Final! I don't choose you!" I snapped back at him, my face getting hot from the anger that poured out of me.

Jacob looked crushed and I instantly felt bad. I never wanted to hurt him but he always left me no alternative. What did he expect me to do?

I took my hands away from his mouth but he didn't speak. Edward was pulling me back towards him and I let him drag me away from Jacob's broken figure.

I was ten feet away when I heard his voice call out to me.

"I love you Bella! I'm here when you want to finish what we started."

I turned to look at Edward, to see if any realization was on his face. He didn't look amused anymore, he looked pensive. I wanted to ease his worries.

"I'll never see him again if that's what you want. I'll do whatever you say this time. I don't even want to see him." I declared.

"You can do whatever _you _want. But I have to let you know that it would be best if you _did _see him again. We need to keep you safe and he's our best bet at leading the newborns away from you. We have to be able to trust the werewolves when the time comes. You know you're horrible at holding grudges anyway, Bella. I trust you not to make the same mistake twice."

But I had already made it twice. I couldn't risk the chance of making it a third time.

I had to see Jacob? I had to be around him after breaking his heart? Never mind breaking his heart- I had to be around him after what we had done together? I must've been aware of that fact before I made the decision to be with him. Why didn't I factor that into things? Being around him now would be like torture. I deserved to be tortured though. I deserved everything I had coming.

"I'm taking you home to get dressed and then we'll be going to my place. Tonight, could we please try to forget everything besides just you and me? I have something for you, your non-present. It's an antique that's been in my family for centuries." Edward whispered.

I knew by his tone that he would forget all that had happened here and leave it in the past. I would try to do the same. I'd accept his non-present tonight and I would bring up his previous marriage proposal in the hopes that he still wanted me to be his wife. I only hoped that Jacob's face didn't enter my thoughts as I agreed to marry Edward.

Since Jacob went back on his promise, I would have to go back on mine. I'd try to forget what Jacob wanted me to remember for eternity. I'd erase the memory of him by filling it with a new memory. I would not back down tonight until Edward agreed to have sex with me.

* * *

A/N: Feedback is greatly appreciated. Whether you loved it or you hated it, be sure to let me know. For all the Jacob fanatics, don't get huffy- it isn't over yet! Also, the New Moon trailer looks amazing- especially Taylor. That definitely gave me my Jacob fix for a while.

Songs:  
The Climb - No Doubt (Bella)  
Sabotage - Beastie Boys (Jacob)  
Without You - Harry Nilsson (Bella)  
Lose Your Way - Sophie B. Hawkins (Jacob)


	4. The Return of Bad Judgment

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I did not receive any compensation for this story.

**The Return of Bad Judgment**

'I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way.'

-Robert Frost

"_My Jacob…"_

_He was kneeling over me, his eyes locked with mine. I felt his hand slide up under my nightshirt and take hold of my throat. His eyes were wild with anger and lust and they almost scared me. But I could never be scared of him…_

"_Jacob please…"_

_He wouldn't listen. He held me down and kissed my lips passionately. He poured his soul into the kiss, willing me to fall deep. His hands released my throat and I knew he wasn't trying to hurt me. He was trying to convince me. I heard a wolf cry out in the distance but I ignored the sound. He ignored it too._

_He finally spoke to me. "I love you Bella. I'm here…"_

_His hands lowered to my legs, his body slipping between them. _

_I knew what I wanted him to do._

_Then he disappeared._

I awoke from the dream to Edward stroking my neck. _It was only a dream_. I was here in Edward's bed and I was dreaming about Jacob. What a horrible girlfriend I was; no, not girlfriend anymore- fiancé! My eyes weren't open yet but Edward knew I was no longer sleeping.

"Are you okay?" he asked as he got up from the bed and walked over to look out the window.

"Yes. Why?" I asked a bit groggily. I wondered if maybe I had said something in my sleep. Knowing my luck I probably had.

"I think you were having a nightmare," he responded, his eyes still peering through the glass, almost looking for something or someone in the thick woods.

"I think so too," was all I said in return.

He finally turned to look at me and he looked happy enough. I didn't want to think about what might be going on in his head.

"I'll let you get dressed. We'll be leaving soon. We have a long hike ahead of us- well more of a ride than a hike for you."

I had almost forgotten about the camping trip. I'd be seeing the object of my dream/nightmare very soon. The thought chilled me to the bone. I almost wished that Jacob wouldn't show this afternoon, but I knew that he would.

* * *

We were on our way when I started feeling bitter. Edward had not given into me that night. I tried my hardest but it was of no use. He wouldn't so much as let me take my shirt off. How are you supposed to entice someone without, at least, the luxury of being topless? He told me that we had to wait to consummate our relationship until after we were married.

_I am engaged, _the thought occurred to me again as we walked. It never failed to stun me each time I was reminded of it throughout the day. I could recall the idea of marriage being a good one when I accepted his proposal, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was the wrong thing to do. I really would do anything to hold on to Edward. Even go as far as to do the one thing that I swore I would never do- get married straight out of high school. Damn Edward and his vampire morals.

To top it off I hadn't even gotten what I wanted yet. He was going to get everything he wanted first. I guess I deserved as much. But I felt as if I needed to have sex with Edward right away to erase my memory of the _experience_ I'd had with Jacob. I would not refer to it as sex- that only made me feel worse about it.

I guessed that Edward didn't know exactly what had happened with Jacob and he certainly didn't probe me for any details. I figured that he didn't know because a big reason he had for denying me sex was to protect my virtue; my innocence. I doubted he would consider me one of the innocents if I had just fucked a werewolf. That was as far from innocent as things got.

What had he thought happened- I changed into Jacob's shirt after we made out on the couch? He couldn't have noticed that I was without underwear because Jacob's shirt practically fell down to my knees- but still. He had to think something significant happened if he was willing to pick up and leave with his family again to let me have a life with Jacob. What was the significant event he had in his mind?

No, he must've known something _big_ had happened that day. He was just using the whole virtue excuse to make me hold off on becoming one of them. He never wanted to take my life away from me. He considered me damned once I became a vampire like him. What good would it do for me to hold on to my virginity until marriage? That would hardly get me into the pearly gates of heaven once we died. _If_ we ever died, that part was questionable, I just knew that I would have already amassed numerable sins after I made my transformation anyway. If I was going to go to hell he should have been willing to let me decide what sins were listed on my record- premarital sex being one of them.

I knew he would never hurt me either. He seemed unsure of his ability to keep under control while making love to me. It was an unwarranted fear. I trusted his self control more than he did. Maybe I was foolish, but I always trusted him despite the fact that he was constantly reminding me not to. The combination of him not wanting to hurt me- and him not wanting me to go to hell made me feel ridiculously overprotected.

He had _already_ hurt me before by leaving me and I was _going_ to go to hell no matter what I did at this point. I was a liar and a cheater and a heartbreaker and soon I'd be a bloodsucking newborn monster. Hell was inevitable.

I didn't know why I wasted my time pondering a possible hell when I was on my way to a definite hell, seeing Jacob. Edward was taking me to see Jacob so that he could safely take me far from the clearing, masking my scent in the process. The newborns wouldn't be able to find me this way, we hoped. I was not prepared to face Jacob after what had transpired.

Also, that dream had shaken me. The memory of his touch could not be dimmed or forgotten, no matter how hard I tried to preoccupy myself with wedding ideas or kisses from Edward. I needed something else _big_ to make it fade, and that apparently would not be happening anytime soon. Now I would have to face him, with our wounds still fresh.

Suddenly, there he was. I could see him step out from behind a shadowed tree and I quickly gauged his expression. He looked as if he had made up his mind to be civil. As Edward explained to him where we would be going he was all business.

I knew once I was in his arms and we were flying up the mountain that I wouldn't be as lucky.

"Are we going to talk about what happened?" he asked me warily after about fifteen minutes of small talk.

"I'd rather not if you don't mind." I knew Edward was pretty far away at this point but I was never sure just how strong his abilities were. Could he hear us? Jacob didn't seem to care.

"He was lying you know. I never told him to leave you. I barely told him anything. You sure know how to boost my confidence. My first sexual experience and the girl tells me she hates me right after. I never should have left; he set me up for that. We'd probably still be going at it right now if it weren't for him showing up."

So we were going to talk about it. Here was the torture I'd been expecting. I promised myself internally to not let him get to me- and to not be cruel towards him. I could understand where he was coming from. Maybe he hadn't broken his promise to me but it was an impossible promise to keep. I felt bad about the way I'd treated him that night.

"I seriously doubt that we'd still be _going at it_ and I never said I hated you by the way."

"You might as well have. I wish you weren't so stupid. I wish you could admit that you're in love with me and stop clinging to that asshole." He slowed his run and looked at my face. I would not falter under his stare. I kept my face serious and stern.

"Listen- I tried to make you happy but it's making everything difficult. The jig is up. You know how I feel about you, don't make me say it. I don't want to lead you on anymore."

He wasn't impressed with my mature rebuff, "Are you nuts? You'll open your legs for me but you won't tell me you're in love with me because_ that_ would be leading me on? Would it make you feel better to write another letter?"

"I did that because you convinced me it was the right thing to do! Don't talk like that. You make me sound so dirty. I just..."

He cut me off, his voice turning lewd; "You are dirty. You had sex with me- you're a dirty, dirty girl."

"Will you please stop saying that? Please?"

"Why- you think he's listening? He's a good five miles away!" he shouted and I visibly flinched at the sudden anger in his voice.

He noticed and calmed down before he started again. "Anyway, you think he even cares? He knows he has you hooked like some love sick puppy. Nothing I do will ever be enough to get you away from him. He's probably glad you fooled around with me. Now he can guilt you into staying with him and he doesn't have to put out as much. Did you tell him exactly what happened, or did he guess from my thoughts? I tried not to think of anything specific…"

I couldn't imagine Edward feeling glad that I had messed around with Jacob, but it did make sense that I get my rocks off with someone else and save him the effort of trying desperately not to kill me. Maybe that was why he wasn't mad. Was he _so _worried that merely being with me in an intimate way would set him off that he'd be willing to let me experiment with Jacob? I focused on answering Jacob instead of reading into his ideas.

"He doesn't know we did _that_. I don't think he knows anyway- and I stay with him because I need him! My life would not be the same without him in it."

Jacob looked depressed by that statement. His hope never wavered that I'd suddenly decide that I didn't need Edward around. I tried to give him some consolation. "I wish that was enough to make me feel whole. For some crazy reason I can't let go of you either. I need you in my life too you know."

That seemed to aggravate him more than please him.

"It's just some crazy reason, huh? You're sick Bella. You really make me question your sanity on a regular basis," he spit back at me but his tone quickly turned somber. "And don't think I'm going to stick around after you turn into a leech. Once you cross that line I can't be around you anymore."

"Jake…" I whispered and touched one hand to his face. But there was no point in arguing over that aspect. Werewolf, vampire- enemy, friend. I knew he wouldn't let go of me that easily, no matter what I became.

I slipped slightly from his grip and I felt his hand graze my ass as he tried to recover his hold. I couldn't stop the tingle within my stomach and I shivered as I remembered his intimate touch. Hopefully he thought I was just really cold. It was freezing out after all.

The minutes ticked by and we didn't say anything. The silence was deafening so I figured I'd say something to ease the tension.

"Are we close? How much further is it?"

"We're making a detour," he responded.

Panic struck me. Detour?

"What do you mean?" I whispered nervously.

"Well, your darling Edward said he'd see us in a couple of hours so I figure it won't matter if we make a little stop and finish what we started on the way."

"No way- Jake!"

I tried to jump out of his arms. I struggled against his grip as if my life depended on it.

When my attempts at release were unsuccessful I tried to reason with him. "Let me go. I'll go the rest of the way by myself. I'm not finishing anything so you might as well just let me go now."

"Yeah sure, I doubt you're in the mood to get lost in the freezing cold. Besides, you know you want it," he smirked.

"That sounds like something a rapist would say," I sneered, hoping that would break his hold.

"Bella, don't even joke about that. I'd never rape you," I was slightly comforted by those words- until he spoke again.

"You can't rape the willing." He was absurdly cocky.

He knew by now that I was weak in my resolve but I knew that I would not be able to give in to him now that I was engaged to Edward. That would be beyond wrong. But I wanted his touch. I was excited by the idea of him dragging me off into the mountains and having his way with me. I was sex deprived and he was all I knew of that feeling- that desperate need for release and fulfillment. I knew if he tried to pursue this that I would not be able to say no. I had to get him to give up. It was my only hope.

"I cannot finish anything Jacob! I gave you what you wanted! You were my first and you can hold on to that forever. You'll always be my first and I'll always be yours and that has to be enough. Don't make this harder for me…"

"Bella, that was barely a first anything. There are so many things I want to do to you that I didn't get to do. You think I want to remember putting my dick inside of you and then flipping out and turning into a wolf because your bloodsucker boyfriend was hanging around outside somewhere? Does that sound like a wonderful memory to hold on to?"

He had a point. I couldn't let him know that. "No. But…"

"But nothing. You don't choose me, right? I can't be the most important thing in your life or the person you go to sleep with and wake up thinking about every morning. I don't get to have you on that level even though I want you that way so fucking bad."

He dropped me onto my feet and I almost stumbled and fell. He caught my arm to hold me steady. When I regained my balance I tried to pull my arm away, to see if he'd let go and surprisingly he did.

"Go ahead and run if you want, I won't stop you. Heck I'll walk behind you the whole way to make sure you wind up safely in _his_ arms. But if you really give a shit about me and you want to give me my perfect memory, which was what you agreed to do in the first place, then you'll stay." He finished his speech and closed his eyes in anticipation of my response.

_I could run_, I thought but I'd never make it all the way to Edward. I'd eventually have to turn around and ask Jacob for directions. That would be awkward.

_I could stay_, I thought instead. I had promised Jacob an experience and I hadn't really gotten the chance to deliver. I had made so much headway with Edward though! He did agree to give in to me once we were married and before I was a vampire. I was close to getting everything, would this change that? Not every fucked up thing I did would always turn out so easily forgiven, would it? Maybe the other time was interrupted on purpose; an intervention from a higher power that knew I'd be in trouble if things went too far.

I didn't know what the right thing to do was.

"You always do this to me." I complained. I had taken a step away from him, and then taken a step towards him. My body was torn between two worlds.

He opened his eyes and stared at me, hard. "Okay, times up!"

He swiftly lifted me off the ground and threw me over his shoulder. The sudden action knocked the wind out of me. I struggled to find the words to say. "Wait. I didn't decide."

"I think you did." He laughed, he suddenly had a lighter step and I could tell he was pleased by my non-decision.

I found myself smiling at his light hearted laugh and I knew that I wouldn't fight this. How could I be so dense as to think that this would not happen again? Edward practically gave me the go ahead anyway by sending me off alone with Jacob. It was entirely his fault. _There I go blaming Edward again. _But he had turned me down. If only he would have given in to my desire. If only he would have helped me erase the memory of Jacob. If only I wasn't fragile human Bella- maybe this wouldn't be happening. I refused to be plagued by thoughts of if only's.

"Tell me what we're going to do." I prodded him suggestively, giving in to my carnal urges. It was so easy to be bad with Jacob. No matter what the outcome and how much heartache I felt when things were done and over with- I always seemed to come back for more.

"First we're going to find a nice spot. Then I'm going to warm you up." His words sounded intriguing. I wanted to hear more but I could barely concentrate with all of the bouncing up and down on his shoulder.

"I could walk next to you. You don't have to carry me."

He scoffed at the idea of letting me go again. "And risk you changing your mind and running away? That's okay."

"I won't change my mind," I whispered as close to his ear as I could reach.

He turned his head towards me and whispered back; "So says the crazy lady who changes her mind every five minutes."

I ignored his dig at my indecisiveness. "Tell me what else you're going to do to me."

He paused to think and then slowly answered, "I'm going to taste you from head to toe, and then I'm going to fuck you proper."

I felt the wetness begin to form between my legs. His voice made it sound so obscene.

"Don't you mean, make love to me proper?"

"No. I don't make love to people who don't choose me. You want me to make love to you then you better rethink your decisions."

_What? _I wasn't expecting that kind of response out of him. He didn't give me a chance to react before he was saying something else I didn't expect.

"In fact, I refuse to kiss you. I think kissing should be reserved for people that are _in love_ with me, and not just stuck on me for some crazy reason."

The idea of him not wanting to kiss me hurt my feelings. I never thought that Jacob would be able to withhold his want so much, just to prove a point or teach me a lesson.

I didn't want him to treat me like some whore he was fucking. That wouldn't make a good memory, would it?

"That's kind of mean Jake." I answered, my voice revealing the hurt I felt.

He didn't respond. I guess he figured it was mean of me to want to spend the rest of eternity with Edward and not him. That was probably more painful to him than any denial he offered me.

I felt his body come to a halt and I knew he had found a spot. I couldn't bring myself to feel excited by what was to come, with this new information he had given me. Now all I wanted to do was kiss him. I wanted to make him kiss me.

When he put me back down on my feet, I turned to see the spot he had chosen. It was perfect. There were patches of grass coming down off the side of a deep indentation in the rock bed. If we wedged into the natural nook we would not be seen. Not that there was anybody around to see us, I could only pray. How long had we been gone already? Would Edward be out looking for us yet? With his speed it wouldn't take long to find us.

He took me by the hand and led me into the crevice. Now I felt the familiar anticipation building up inside of me again. He stopped in front of me and started to unzip my jacket.

"I shouldn't be doing this," I couldn't help but feel the guilt along with the attraction.

"This is exactly what you should be doing. You shouldn't do any of the other shit." He mumbled as the zipper reached its end and he slid the arms of the jacket down and off. The cold air hit me and I automatically brought my hands up to slide down my arms for friction.

"I told you I'll warm you up," he insisted as he stepped closer and pressed his body against me. It felt like leaning into the heating vents of my truck. I pushed back against him to soak up as much of his warmth as I could.

While my face pressed into his chest I could feel his hands slide up under the back of my shirt. He leisurely stroked my bare back in smooth circles, massaging me into a state of calm. I was not cold anymore. I pulled away from him and tilted my head up to see his face. I couldn't stop myself, "Kiss me."

"No," he replied without even stopping to think about it. Instead of kissing my lips he bent down to kiss my neck. His mouth was just as warm as his hands. I felt chills go up my spine as his hands found their way into my jeans to massage my ass. His kisses trailed down from my neck to my arm and he had to kneel before me to go any lower than that.

Once he was on his knees he stuck his head up under my shirt instead of removing it. I knew my nipples were rock hard from both the cold chill blowing in on me and his proximity to them. The slightest touch of his tongue was instant gratification. He sucked one of them through my bra and I reveled in the reaction it caused inside my body.

One of his hands traveled up to the waistband of my jeans. He wrapped his fingers around the middle of the waist and tugged back and forth, causing the crotch of the pants to grind against my center. The buttons came loose this way. He slid the jeans down to my mid thigh and left them there. He was very careful not to give me pneumonia but I wanted the restricting clothes off.

My breath was coming out in pants as he slipped his fingers beneath my panties and began to rub me there. I wondered briefly if I was wetter than last time. Was that possible? Suddenly he removed his hands from my body.

He glided out of the jacket he had brought for me incase of emergency and tossed it onto the ground next to mine. His head dipped out from under my shirt and he looked towards the jackets.

"Here," he said, as he positioned both jackets on the ground like a small blanket. He tugged at my arm and guided me to lie down. I started to sit but he stopped me and turned me over onto my stomach.

It was strange having my shirt halfway hiked up and my pants halfway hiked down; my midsection was colder than the rest of my body without him applying his heat to me. I didn't question his direction and soon he was tugging my underwear down to meet my jeans. My behind caught the next cold breeze and I shivered again. The wind was particularly harsh on my exposed privates, already soaking wet- it felt like the air was tangible and it was stroking my flesh to drive my nerves a little harder.

Then I felt as if I might combust when Jacob snaked out his tongue and licked me from hole to hole. For some reason I didn't anticipate him tasting me _there_.

He didn't stop his tongue lashing at my pucker, he returned back to his start point and this time licked up the entire length of my crack, stopping to place a kiss at the small of my back. Another gust of wind came through and the wetness on my backside made it feel like a hurricane was blowing, applying all of its pressure to my sex. I never thought I could get so excited by the wind. I was never a big fan of cold wet things but this was my turning point.

Then I was being turned over. Jacob's expression was pure sex, just how I imagined it would be. I loved to see him in this state of mind- over me. The thought of his pleasure from being with me continued to feel like the best thing possible. Was that so wrong- to like the feeling of being wanted? Jacob was the only one that made me feel completely desired.

He kissed my forehead, then my right cheek, then my left cheek- my chin, my jaw. He licked the space between my breasts and his tongue didn't disconnect from my skin until he reached my belly button.

He leaned down towards my groin and I knew what he was going to do. It was what he did best. He started to lap at my center and the sparks flew in my head. I groaned loudly when his mouth covered my clit and sucked at it. His fingers traced the edges of my pussy, but didn't push in. I wanted them to.

Instead he wet his fingers with my fluids and guided them lower, to my ass. I felt one digit slip into my entrance there and the shock of the invasion caused me to suck in a deep breath. His tongue didn't stop stroking me and I felt my release drawing closer.

Jacob could probably sense that I was close but he halted his movements. He was climbing back up my body and tasting every inch of exposed skin on his way up.

"I was…" I panted, somehow trying to explain to him that he should do _that_ just a little longer.

He breathed his answer into the patch of skin behind my ear, "I want you to get off while I'm inside of you."

Hearing him utter those words almost made me come then and there. He was going to be inside of me again. Could I handle it this time? The pain felt like a distant memory but who knew how long it would last. I hadn't made it long enough to find out last time.

I stopped thinking when the cold air hit my legs. My jeans were coming off along with my boots and panties and suddenly pneumonia sounded plausible.

But it was a brief moment of freezing cold before Jacob's body was completely covering me. His face was so close to mine that I tilted my lips forward and tried to capture his. He ducked his head down and licked my jaw instead. The pain of his rejection felt stronger this time.

"Are you ready?" he asked, his voice laced with pure desire. He slid his own pants down to his knees.

I nodded, unable to find words but knowing that I was ready to try this again.

I hoped that it hurt less with him taking the reins. Upon thinking of him entering me I realized that I hadn't even gotten to see his hardness today. Would the brief memory of it be enough to last me through the years? I attempted to look down between our bodies but at that moment he was thrusting himself into me and I missed it. My head flew back and my mouth flew open and a long gasp left my lips. It felt like he was splitting me in two again, but this time wasn't as bad. This time there was pleasure with the pain, instantly.

"Jake," I said his name unsteadily but could say no more because he was still entering me. He was not finished until I felt like I couldn't take anymore of him in. Then he stopped, leaving himself still inside of me. My body adjusted pretty quickly and the pain dimmed to a slight ache. He wasn't moving. I thought I'd give him some kind of signal that I could take it, so I focused on squeezing every muscle in my body that was connected to him. I tightened my legs around him, I squeezed his arms with my hands, and I gripped his cock tighter with my internal muscles.

He hissed and pulled out slowly. I could feel every inch of him against my walls - grazing me from within. He was hitting those spots, the places that I imagined nobody else could reach. Nobody else could make me feel this good. _Could Edward do this? _I wondered, but quickly pushed the thought out of my head. This was why Jacob wouldn't kiss me. This was why Edward couldn't trust me. I would constantly compare the two of them like they were pieces of meat. The people I loved didn't deserve the treatment I gave them.

Jacob was unaware of the turmoil in my head, I looked up at his face and he was in another world. Behind the state of bliss he appeared to be in I could see him concentrating on what he was doing.

He thrust slowly back into me and my body felt like it was in a fit of hysteria. I was shaking and sweating, despite the cold all around me, and more importantly I was high. It felt like the greatest adrenaline high I could imagine.

When he pulled back out again it took him less time to slam back into me. Each plunge went this way now. He was pulling out nearly all the way and driving himself back in to the brink at a desperate speed. I felt my body lifting off of the ground to meet each thrust. I was working on pure animal instincts. I didn't recognize myself anymore, I didn't feel like Bella. I was a girl in desperate need for release and Jacob was the only one capable of giving it to me.

"Yes," I cried out as his hands lifted my hips higher and he pushed into me at a deeper angle. I was so close, and I didn't want it to end but I had to give in to the want.

When his fingers started roughly rubbing back and forth against my clit while he was sliding back inside of me, I gave in to the built up pressure.

My orgasm ripped through me as he continued to thrust in and out. There were flashing lights going off behind my eyes and ripples of pleasure traveling through my body. Somehow he kept going, and now with my wetness dripping down my legs I could feel his slick cock going deeper and faster than ever. Electric tingles raced down every one of my extremities and I moaned in a voice that I didn't recognize.

"Oh fuck," I heard Jake gasp and suddenly he was pulling out and stroking his dick feverishly. He kept one hand rubbing my core, extending my pleasure- but I couldn't focus on that. I was focused on the streams of cum shooting out of him and onto the mountain grass. It was like a geyser going off at steady intervals. A part of me wished that he had left it in me or at least put it in my mouth, so I could remember the taste of him better. At least I had gotten to see his hardness again- in a completely different way than I'd ever seen it before. I would definitely remember this vividly.

I would definitely dream about Jacob again after this- just another complication to add to the mix. Somehow I knew Edward would forgive me. Somehow I knew I'd never say the words out loud anyway. I'd always guess if he knew and I'd always wonder if he even cared. This was the best outcome I could ask for. Anything else would be painful.

Jacob was spent, I knew because when I pulled him back on top of me he fell too easily. He was crushing me but I didn't want to disturb his recovery. Maybe this was the right time…

"Kiss me?"

He was more aware than I thought; he looked at me with hard eyes that grew softer as each second passed. "Have you changed your decision?"

I thought about his question. Had I changed my choice? No. Nothing really changed except that now I was closer to Jacob than I'd ever been before. But that didn't change how I felt about Edward- the need in me to be with him. He was going to be my husband! How could I give up what I knew to be the most important thing in my world for something that might not last forever? I knew that once I changed I would have Edward forever. Jacob wasn't a sure thing. Could I give up my world for that?

"I don't know. I can't…" I started.

Thankfully he stopped me before I had to finish my sentence. "Then stop asking me to kiss you. If that's all I have to use against you then I'll use it. The next time you ask me to kiss you I'll have to assume that you've changed your mind. So don't ask until then."

I'd never know the feel of Jacob's lips on mine again. The thought filled me with despair but I knew it was true.

Jacob was on his feet getting dressed so I followed suit. I felt something cold hit my face and I looked up to see that it was starting to snow.

"Oh man, we have to hurry," he stated, noticing the snow at the same time. He reached a hand out to me and I took it, jumping into his safe arms.

We didn't talk about what happened the rest of the way there, but it was all I could think about. Once I saw the tent and Edward's worried figure pacing back and forth anxiously I stopped thinking about it.

After my reunion with Edward, Jacob quickly left to change into wolf form so he could keep a look out. I knew he didn't want to be around us but his loyalty to my safety made me feel special.

As the night drew on and the temperature dropped I couldn't believe I'd ever thought that the weather was a friend of mine. It was beyond freezing. I silently wished for Jacob's heat to surround me again. I couldn't concentrate on anything but the cold.

Then unexpectedly Jacob was there. He crawled into my sleeping bag and wrapped his warm body around me- with Edward only a foot away. Yup, I was definitely going to hell.

* * *

A/N: As always feedback is appreciated. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, you don't know how much it pleases me to have proof that people are actually reading this. It definitely makes it more fun to write. :)

Songs:  
(Can't Get My) Head Around You - Offspring (Jacob)  
My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson (Bella)  
What Happens Tomorrow - Duran Duran (Jacob)  
Head Over Heels - Tears for Fears (Bella)


	5. The Return of Bad Dreams

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I did not receive any compensation for this story. No copyright infringement intended.  
Disclaimer #2: This chapter in particular has many quotes from the original book. I just want to give credit where credit is due, to Stephenie Meyer.

**The Return of Bad Dreams**

I was drifting off to sleep, Jacob's warm body next to mine, when I started to hear the voices. They were talking about me like I wasn't even there. They must have figured I was already asleep. I was paralyzed by my curiosity as much as I was by my pure exhaustion. I wanted badly to hear this conversation, and hoped I wouldn't give in to my body's need for rest.

"You know, she could still change her mind," Jacob said. "Considering all the things I could do with her that you can't. At least, not without killing her, that is."

Hearing Jacob throw his ability to be with me in Edward's face made me decide I better try to force myself to sleep after all. I would end up having a heart attack if I began to stress what might slip out of Jacob's mouth, or his head. Did Edward have any clue what went on earlier? If he did he wasn't admitting to it. Jacob was actually bringing things to light and Edward would only push it aside as if it were a fantasy. When Jacob started prodding Edward for answers I decided against sleep. I wanted some answers myself.

Just hearing him admit to being jealous made me feel, happy. I wanted my boyfriend, no sorry, _fiancé_- to be jealous over me. Was that a sick human response to have?

"She worries that you're unhappy. Not that you don't know that. Not that you don't _use _that."

So, Edward knew that I often thought about Jacob's happiness. I never knew that he knew. I was often foolish enough to think that Edward was unaware of how much I thought about Jacob, since he couldn't read my mind. But I guess it doesn't take a mind reader to know when somebody is not completely with you. I couldn't imagine what Edward was possibly thinking about this whole situation. He seemed to know that Jacob was using every trick at his disposal to win me over. But why wasn't he fighting back? Why wasn't he trying to kill Jacob? I couldn't make sense of Edward's reasoning.

I lost track of what they were saying until Jacob said, "I think you were just worried that if you really forced her to choose, she might not choose you."

Maybe that was it. Maybe Edward was smart enough to know that I would not be pleased if he were to kill Jacob in a fit of rage or jealousy. If he forced me to be without Jacob, what would I do? I couldn't make that decision on my own, but somehow, could Edward force me away from my sunshine? The idea of being without Jacob made me want to hold him a little closer. I laid one hand over the hand he had on my stomach and he leaned his face closer to mine in an automatic response. My heart started to pound quickly in my chest. Would he dare to do anything in front of Edward?

"Would you try to kill me?" I heard Jacob ask, his lips inches from my ear, and if at all possible my heart stopped beating altogether. I waited with baited breath to hear Edward's response.

"No."

Once I heard the word I knew that Edward's love for me was stronger than mine for him. He was willing to do whatever was necessary to keep me happy; even if it meant giving me up, or maybe- sharing me. I truly believed now that Edward knew all that was going on with Jacob. I could never be absolutely sure though.

Edward went on to talk about what it felt like to lose me. I felt tears well up in my eyes because I knew that someone was going to go through that pain again. Either Edward or Jacob would lose me. And I would lose one of them, unless somehow I found a way to make things work out. I couldn't begin to come up with a way that made sense. This sharing couldn't go on forever. Edward would not marry me and let me run off to spend the honeymoon in Jacob's arms. Jacob would definitely not like the idea of having sex with a newborn vampire. I couldn't be with Edward without becoming one of _them_, and I couldn't be with Jacob without losing all of _them_. There seemed to be no solution possible.

Jacob was suddenly talking about his plans for me, had Edward not come back into my life. Had I not jumped off the cliff and suddenly run off to Italy. I thought back on my own plans. I was going to give it a shot back then. I was going to choose Paris over Romeo because my Romeo was already gone- but I was alive. Jacob brought me back to life after Edward's absence all but killed me. I almost chose him back then, and who knew what time could have done to heal my wounds. Maybe it would have been easier if Edward had not come back.

I got chills just thinking about Edward not being around, and Jacob's body responded by pressing tighter against me. I could feel his manhood against my backside, through both of our clothes, and the thoughts of Edward being out of the picture felt even grimmer. What was I doing? Why was I even entertaining the idea of having a life with Jacob when I was so deep down the path of my life with Edward? Sex was not supposed to be a deciding factor in this. I knew that the intimacy I shared with Jacob was a key element to my decision but I could not allow my hormones to lead me down the wrong road. Edward promised me he would give me everything I needed on that level.

"Don't tempt me too far, wolf. My patience isn't _that_ perfect."

I could hear the contempt in Edward's voice and I wondered just what Jacob was thinking as he pressed his body against mine.

"I'd rather not move just now, if you don't mind," Jacob whispered his response even closer to my ear and it made me question if he knew I was listening.

Then Edward was humming my lullaby, trying to drown out the visions in Jacob's head, I assumed. I pictured him pacing back and forth earlier, humming as he tried to ignore what might be happening while Jacob and I were gone. I couldn't bear to put him through this pain any longer. It wasn't right of me to expect him to take a back seat while I explored my feelings for my best friend. I was completely taking advantage of his patience and understanding. Even now, in this tent, I wished he had decided to let me freeze instead of giving in once more to my body's need for Jacob's warmth.

I felt Jacob bury his face in my hair, taking in my scent. His hand traveled down my body to rest on my thigh. I couldn't focus anymore on what was wrong with this situation. I had the two people I loved next to me, protecting me. I would lose this soon, but not tonight. I could enjoy myself for the moment because I actually had everything I wanted.

I began to give in to my fatigue but then I heard Edward break the silence.

"Have you done that yet?"

_Done what?_ I thought, panic stricken. What was Jacob thinking now that caused Edward to question him?

"Why don't you ask Bella that?" Jacob quipped back. His hand left my thigh and came up to rest on my upper arm instead. _Ask me what?_

"Forget it. I don't want to know."

_Ask me what?_

"What would you say if I said yes?" Jacob's hand came back down to my stomach; his fingers were dangerously close to the waistband of my jeans. I felt my eyes twitch behind my eyelids almost willing themselves to open and put an end to my curiosity.

"I wouldn't recommend you say anything right now. I don't know what I might do," Edward sneered. I could hear sadness behind his angry façade.

Jacob scoffed. "Well, you said you wouldn't kill me, right?"

"Trust me. There are many things worse than death. I'm proof of that," Edward responded, and I could feel Jacob's heartbeat match mine against my back.

His fingers dipped a bit lower into my pants. I made an effort to stop him from going any further by sighing out loud and pretending to stir in my sleep. As I moved against him I could feel his growing erection against me. He must have gotten excited by the fact that we were so close to Edward and he was still allowed to touch me. I wouldn't allow him to taunt Edward any longer.

"Shhh, you're waking her up," Jacob whispered.

"I believe _you're_ the one waking her up. Go to bed."

"And what are you going to do, watch us sleep all night?"

"I am going to watch _her_ sleep. It's what I do every night," I could hear the sadness in Edward's voice again and it made me ache.

"Maybe," he answered some random question in Jacob's head.

Jacob didn't respond but I could swear I heard him whisper something into my hair. The last thing I heard before I fell into a deep sleep was Edward humming my lullaby again. The last thing I felt was Jacob's lips pressed against the back of my neck and his warm breath on my skin.

* * *

_My head was clouded over and my body felt like a weak pile of bones glued to the ground._

_Jacob's hand slid down into my underwear and a jolt of adrenaline rushed through me. _

"_Edward's right there…," I found my voice. My tone gave away my lust and fatigue._

"_He doesn't care," Jacob whispered back, tugging my pants down and kissing my neck._

_I turned my head slightly to the right to give him more access and caught Edward's open eyes. They were black as coal._

"_Stop, he does care," I began to argue my point. "Edward?"_

_But he wouldn't answer me. He would only look into my eyes with an unreadable expression on his face. He didn't move to stop Jacob either. I knew by his eye color that he was hungry, but, what for? Hopefully not wolf._

_The sleeping bag was open and for some reason, I wasn't cold. I couldn't feel the cold air hitting my skin. Jacob's hot body was pressed too tightly against me. I could feel his warm tongue on my bare breast and feel his smoldering hands on my shoulders. It occurred to me that I was naked._

_My eyes never left Edward's stare. This was starting to feel like some crazy alternate universe. Like a vivid dream. _

"_Edward?" I tried again._

_Edward had never seen me naked before. His gaze traveled down my exposed body, still ignoring my voice._

_A moan escaped my lips when I felt Jacob's cock at my entrance. Was he going to have sex with me here- now?_

_I couldn't control my eyes as they closed, pleasure overtaking me as Jacob thrust himself deep within me._

_I had to fight to force my eyes open again. The first thing I noticed was that Edward seemed further away. His eyes were still focused on me but his hands were pressed against his face, covering his nose and mouth._

_Jacob pulled out slowly and leisurely pushed his way back in. I felt a familiar sore stretch inside from Jacob's large manhood, which worried me. It felt too real, the pleasure and pain mixed together._

"_Am I really dreaming?" I asked, gasping briefly at the next slow thrust. Who was I asking? Edward's eyes stopped to look at my face and he seemed perplexed by my question._

"_Yes," he answered easily._

_I was only dreaming. That was enough assurance to get me to let go. I began to give in to the carnal desire. I guided my hand down to squeeze Jacob's backside._

_This made him pick up his pace. His frenzied movements became less controlled and more forceful. He kissed my face but not my lips. I tried to turn my head to catch his lips with mine but he moved too quickly away. I grunted in frustration. Even in my dreams he was being stubborn. _

_I felt his hand move between my legs to rub me in time with his plunges. I ran my hand down his muscular arm, feeling it flex naturally as he bore all of his weight on it._

"_Do you still love me?" Edward asked suddenly. I turned to look in his direction but I could barely see him now in the darkness. His voice caused my pleasure to heighten. I was close._

"_Of course," I answered._

_I was about to speak again but Jacob's fingers found their way into my mouth. He traced my lips with his thumb and used his other hand to lift my leg higher._

_The new angle made my orgasm explode. I felt my core muscles contract around Jacob's cock briefly and then he was pulling away. I couldn't concentrate on what he was doing; instead I turned my head to look at Edward again as I rode my last waves of bliss._

"_Whatever you need," he whispered to me, "I still love you, too."_

_What a strange dream, I thought. It felt as if my subconscious was trying to soothe my fears. In reality Edward would never be that restrained and understanding. I could only wish for that much. Usually my dreams were less hopeful._

_I was too sated to hold my eyes open any longer. I felt Jacob's heat return to my side._

"_Truce over," he said as he wrapped his arms around me._

_I drifted into a new dream, something about getting lost in the mountains alone. It didn't feel nearly as real as the first one._

* * *

During the next morning it felt as if you could cut the tension with a knife. Edward practically attacked Jacob for merely rolling onto me by accident. I didn't want violence to break out between them but I loved feeling protected by Edward. My secret need for him to _react_ somehow was shining through.

Then Jacob was leaving and my other secret need took over. I didn't want him to leave.

I wished I could beg him to stay. No matter how badly I wanted things to be out in the open, I didn't want to be the one to do it though. Jacob wouldn't listen to reason anyway- he was too eager to get back to Sam and prepare to fight the newborns.

When Edward and I were alone, he started to talk about the danger looming in the very near future. My own stupid problems seemed miniscule at that point.

To ease the tension, we continued a lighthearted discussion of our top ten best nights. I figured most of his had something to do with me. I realized I was wrong when he spoke.

"All of my best nights have happened since I met you."

Not most, _all_ of his best nights revolved around me. I felt the ache return.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes, really - and by quite a wide margin, too."

I thought about what he wanted to hear but I couldn't bring myself to admit that all of mine involved him as well. It wasn't true.

I still began to list our best nights, along with him. Even if all of my top ten didn't involve him- the majority did. That had to count for something.

Somehow the conversation led to the previous night, and the fact that I had been talking in my sleep. I prayed that I didn't say anything that would be too painful for him to hear.

"What did I say last night?" I whispered.

I had to know before I could continue. What was the point of listing some of my favorite nights if Edward heard me talk about details of other nights? Did I mention anything about last night? Did I talk during that wild dream?

I winced when he hesitated. I hoped I was wrong to assume I had said anything sexual. After some goading I got him to tell me that I said the same things I usually say. I knew that was not the case, the look on his face told me as much. Then he finally admitted to the truth.

"Near the end, though, you started mumbling some nonsense about 'Jacob, my Jacob.' Your Jacob enjoyed _that_ quite a lot."

He couldn't even look at me when he said this. I felt an odd mixture of regret and relief. That wasn't the worst possible thing I could have said in my sleep- but any mention of Jacob was hurtful to Edward. The idea of becoming a vampire felt a little better now- no more possible nights of speaking in my sleep and causing him pain. Then it occurred to me that I'd never dream again either. I couldn't be with Jacob, even in sleep. I wouldn't be able to sleep at all.

I crawled closer to Edward and attempted to show him how sorry I was- guiltier by my thoughts as well.

He was not interested in hearing me explain my way out of the 'Jacob' talk. He quickly changed the subject back to our favorite nights. This was another subject that involved a lot of withholding information on my part. When did it get so hard to have an honest conversation with Edward?

I made sure to be as truthful as possible. I listed my favorite nights but conveniently never mentioned which order they fell in. It felt as if quite a few of my top favorite nights happened in the last few days alone. Not all of them involved Edward. I tried to go back further than this week in my memories.

When I brought up the night after Italy I had a flashback to the previous night.

"I had no idea your dreams were so vivid. It took me forever to convince you that you were awake," Edward told me, apparently thinking it was funny that I was a psychotic mess back then. My dreams _were_ very vivid though, maybe this whole life I was leading was really one long dream. That would actually make a lot of sense, werewolves and vampires and all in the mix.

"I'm still not sure," I agreed out loud with my thoughts. "You've always seemed more like a dream than reality. Tell me one of yours, now. Did I guess your first place?"

"No - that would be two nights ago, when you finally agreed to marry me."

I was surprised that I could honestly say that the night he proposed to me was on my list too. I was so anti-marriage but, the memory of Edward's happiness touched me. I don't think I'd ever seen him look so pleased before.

_Other things happened that day_, I shivered at the thought.

"Are you warm enough?" he asked me suddenly.

"I'm fine, why?"

I never felt warm enough without Jacob around but it was pointless to say something idiotic like that. I guessed that Edward noticed the shivering. His worry for my well-being amazed me. His keen observation amazed me even more, scared me even.

Then my observation improved and I noticed Edward's face was intent on listening to something- someone. I knew we weren't alone.

Just then a howl rang out in the cold air. The sound was loud and painful and very close to the tent. I recognized it instantly. It was Jacob. My Jacob. He had heard us discussing our favorite nights. He had heard Edward say that we were engaged. I had never told him that part.

As quickly as the painful sound came, it disappeared quietly into the woods.

Through my agony, I could barely hear Edward's voice saying, "Truce over."

I wondered if he had really said that or I was just remembering Jacob's words from my dream. Just the thought of Jacob's voice caused me to want to vomit.

"Jacob was listening," I whispered.

"Yes."

"You knew."

"Yes. I never promised to fight fair and he deserves to know," his words sounded calculating and I wondered if the whole prior conversation had anything to do with me.

Jacob had been listening the whole time and Edward knew. Were we listing our top nights to get a rise out of Jacob? I almost wished that I hadn't left anything out, just to be fair.

Making Edward happy could only make Jacob miserable, but the opposite was also true. I knew that I could never please both of them at the same time. I couldn't stop the tears from pouring from my eyes.

I had to go find Jacob and fix things again. I explained this to Edward but he would never agree with my concerns. I didn't expect him to care about Jacob's feelings anyway.

I stumbled out of the tent into the brisk air. Edward followed me towards the trees.

I was walking away from Edward and towards Jacob. It felt wrong but I couldn't stop myself. I had to try to make Jacob's pain lessen. The sound of his tortured, broken howl haunted me.

As I got further into the woods, Edward tried to stop me but I pulled away from him. He wouldn't let me go but I struggled against him nonetheless. I was sobbing uncontrollably now. I couldn't think clearly. Was this the right thing to do? Maybe this was the only way to make Jacob see that I was no good for him. Maybe I should let him go- make a clean break and go back to my regular life as Edward's future bride and not some sexed up teenager who screws around on mountains.

I couldn't let it end like this. I would never be able to live a thousand lifetimes knowing that this was how Jacob remembered me, a liar and a cheat.

I knew I'd never reach Jacob at my slow human pace, so when Edward's resolve broke and he offered to go after him and get him to come back, I jumped at the opportunity.

He left and then I was alone. I didn't want this time alone to think.

The thought that I was hurting Edward even more purposely than I had hurt Jacob was torturous. I was hurting myself in the process. I felt selfish but at the same time I wasn't getting what I wanted. I didn't even know what I wanted anymore.

I paced around our campsite, glancing back at Seth Clearwater in his wolf form every once in a while. He was a witness to this madness. I had almost forgotten he was here all morning as well. The thought of forgetting about Seth made me realize something else I was forgetting about.

The fight with the newborns was today. I was here crying over a _boy_- sending my fiancé out into the woods to look for said boy- throwing all caution out of the window. A fight was about to begin that could change the course of my confusing life. No matter how easy the Cullens and the wolves made it out to be- there _could_ be losses, on either side.

I had made Edward promise to stay here with me to protect his safety, and then I turned around and sent him out into the unknown. My selfishness could have fatal repercussions.

I was put at ease when Edward finally walked into my line of vision. Jacob was with him. I felt a sense of relief that he had actually come back.

Edward agreed to give me some time alone with Jacob, so he could go off with Seth and figure out some kind of complication. Again my stupid problems were getting in the way of my better judgment. I let him walk away, once more- when all I ever wanted was him safely next to me at this time of danger.

Jacob was definitely not pleased with me. He seemed embarrassed that his resolve had been broken, his hard edge lost with one sad howl. I tried to reach out my hand and touch his face but he brushed it away. I had to figure out how to solve this problem.

First, I attempted to apologize, to no avail.

Second, I tried to explain to him that I never meant to hurt him. If he had gotten the right letter, he would have known I was planning on marrying Edward. My tears didn't soothe him; he barely looked into my eyes.

My last attempt would be the hardest. No matter how badly I needed Jacob in my life, I was hurting him in the process of being with him. So I let him know that he had to stay away from me, even though I wanted him. It reminded me of Edward's warnings when we first met. I was selfish and pursued Edward even though he cautioned me not to. I would not be selfish any longer. I wouldn't let Jacob pursue this pain any longer.

He looked at me after I stated my case. He responded by being his usual rash self.

"Well, you're not the only one capable of self-sacrifice. Two can play at that game," his voice was rough and determined.

He proceeded to tell me how easy it would be to take himself out of the picture- to make it easier for me to be with Edward, by him being dead and gone.

I broke down and sobbed. I pleaded with him to not go through with such a horrific plan. Never in a million years would I wish for Jacob to be dead, no matter what.

He wasn't listening. Was his mind really made up? All over a possible wedding?

I decided that I would do whatever he wanted, as long as he promised not to do anything foolish like get himself killed over me. _Anything_.

"I could just do my best for my pack and let what happens happen. _If_ you could convince me you really did want me to come back - more than you wanted to do the selfless thing," he prodded.

_Anything. _"How?" I asked.

"You could ask me," he suggested.

I realized what he meant. Ask him. Ask him to kiss me. That would be letting him know that I was choosing him- choosing him over Edward. Had I changed my decision? No.

Was I willing to risk anything for him to stay alive? _Anything._ Yes.

"Kiss me, Jacob. Kiss me, and then come back."

He hesitated, probably wondering if I was serious, or sure. But seconds later he was walking closer and pulling me into his arms, a smile on his face. His lips crushed against mine with a passion I'd never felt from him before. He was full of hope and joy and I realized that I was too. Jacob was right; I had to be in love with him. The idea of losing this, giving this up, was too much to handle. I was still a cheat, but I might not be a liar after all.

* * *

A/N: I have been super busy. I'm so sorry this took much longer than any other chapter- and is actually shorter than the other chapters. That is a raw deal for sure. I was planning on writing more but I am actually going away for a couple of days and wanted to get something out before I left, so- hopefully shorter is better than later. As always feedback is appreciated.

Songs:  
Seventeen Forever - Metro Station (Bella)  
You've Got To Hide Your Love Away - The Beatles (Jacob)  
Somebody Else's Arms - Armor for Sleep (Jacob)  
Nothing Else Matters - Bif Naked (Bella)


	6. The Return of Bad Choices

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I did not receive any compensation for this story. No copyright infringement intended.  
Disclaimer #2: This chapter also has many quotes from the original book. I just want to give credit where credit is due, to Stephenie Meyer.

**The Return of Bad Choices**

'Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.'

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

When Edward returned to the tent, just minutes after Jake left to prepare for battle, that's when the dread sank in. I was starting to feel like I had multiple personalities. I was Jacob's Bella, and Edward's Bella, and my own confused self all wrapped in one messed up package.

I had chosen Jake. Well, sort of.

Jake thought I had chosen him, and I didn't lead him to believe otherwise. Edward knew nothing, or everything- I couldn't tell anymore.

Seeing Edward, I felt more ashamed of that kiss than anything else I had done with Jacob. The kiss meant more to Jacob than any sexual exchange ever would. But what did it mean to me?

"Is it true?" Edward asked solemnly as soon as he reached me. His face looked pained and I could only imagine what he was referring to.

I started to panic inside. "Is what true?" I replied.

"That you've changed your mind. You've decided on…something else? Someone else, I mean."

I glanced over at Seth's figure and knew that Edward had gotten all the information he needed from the wolf. Jacob must have been celebrating in his mind the fact that he had finally won me over.

"It's not true!" I blurted out. Seth whined and turned his face away, clearly as confused as I was with the whole situation.

Edward ignored my confession. "He would never have gone through with it. He's no martyr. You didn't have to kiss him. Not that I'm mad about the kiss, that's the least of my concern. I just don't want you to go through this back and forth. That is, assuming you were lying to save his life. You can tell me if you've changed your mind. Is it because of last night?"

Edward was rambling. He never rambled. I couldn't properly process everything he was saying. _Last night?_ "What about last night? Did I say something? I had a dream..."

I knew that dream would come back to bite me. I knew I had said more than _my Jacob_ in my sleep.

"I do not judge you, Bella." He looked at me with sad yet purposeful eyes. "Listen, I can't keep putting this off. I know what's going on. I know you have human needs that I couldn't fulfill. In time, I'm sure I would be able to give you what you want if you haven't given up on me yet. I understand if, for now, you wish to continue this _relationship _with him-"

"Stop, Edward," I cut him off. I couldn't listen to his words any longer. "You don't have to give me permission! I'm wrong! I'm the wrong one here. You sound almost as if you're blaming yourself. I'm supposed to be your fiancé."

"And you still are my fiancé." His expression turned slightly grimmer. "Aren't you?"

"Why aren't you angry with me? Why don't you hate me?" I whispered. "Or haven't you heard the whole story yet?"

"I think I got a fairly comprehensive look," he paused for a moment, turning his head towards the sleeping bags on the tent floor. "You're only human," he whispered back, stroking my hair.

"I really don't know what I am anymore. Honestly, I feel like a whore."

"Please don't say that Bella. I love you. I thought I was doing the right thing by turning a blind eye and letting you work your frustrations out. I offered you the promise of sex before marriage but, honestly, the idea frightened me beyond anything imaginable. I thought, I mean, I hoped that you would be at peace with the fact that you had gotten to have your sexual experience and leave well enough alone. I did not want to imagine the horrible possibilities- with my strength and your weak fragile body- I couldn't bear it if I hurt you."

"Well I can't bear the idea that I'm hurting you. And I'm hurting Jacob at the same time."

I took his beautiful stone face in my hands, looked deeply into his sorrowful eyes and spoke again.

"Yet, you still love me. I live every day knowing that it could be my last but I don't fear the end. I'm not scared of physical pain, Edward. I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of living! I'm constantly worrying that I'm making the wrong choices. I'm constantly scared shitless that you are going to up and leave me again. And now, I'm scared that my best friend might die because of me, and I would have to live with that for eternity."

"He'll be fine, Bella. I told you the newborns are no match for-"

"Yes, I know. They are no match for a family of vampires and a pack of angry wolves. Even so, if Jacob comes out of this in one piece then I am faced with the choice of a lifetime of what-if or an eternity of regret. Either way- no matter what road I choose- living with that choice is going to be the hardest thing."

Edward took one of my hands in his. His cold finger tips brushed small circles into the skin of my wrist. He looked down as he spoke.

"That is why I don't want to turn you into a monster. Like me- like my family. We may be civil and capable of love but we are monsters through and through- as you'll see today." He gestured in the direction of the clearing. "I want you to live a happy life, a life full of beautiful memories. I don't want to force you into an eternity of regrets, and I don't want to be the one to take your life away- by accident or purposely."

"But you're not _forcing_ me. Whatever I choose, _I choose_. No matter what that choice brings with it, that's my cross to bear."

"If you choose _him_, then your life will be normal. You can have children… sleep. You wouldn't have to worry about blood and gore and possibly passing out every time you ate a meal," he smiled, joking tentatively.

"No, I'd just have to worry about the Volturi tracking me down and killing me because I didn't hold up my end of their deal."

Edward's eyes widened at the thought of the Volturi pursuing me. "No, that will not happen as long as I live. That is my cross to bear and is entirely my fault. I will protect you."

"You'll protect me while I'm off having a life and children with Jacob?" I questioned his insanity.

Edward shifted his stance, something that he only did when he was feeling particularly human. He seemed unsure of how to respond to my question. "I _will_ stay and protect you. I would never desert you again Bella, no matter what you choose. It's not as if I will move on from you and start a new life. You are my life now. I'll always be there in the wings waiting for a time when you may need me."

His voice was too much for me to handle. The caring tone he used, the love that exuded from his being- I didn't deserve it. Everything he said sounded so, _final_. As if I had already chosen and we were parting ways. Was this what it would feel like if my choice was final; if I did let that kiss seal my fate?

"Stop talking like that. I told you I didn't change my mind," I answered adamantly.

"You love him," he murmured gently.

Every cell in my body ached to deny it.

"I love you more," I said.

"Yes, I know that, too. But…when I left you, Bella-"

I stopped listening, the idea of him leaving me again returned to mind. The miserable shape I'd be in. The voices, the pain. Could I ever take that pain again? No matter how unfair it would be to ask him to stay and protect me, should I actually choose Jacob, the idea of him being close by made me feel secure. My life could not exist without him in it.

I tuned back in to his speech as he said, "I may gain forgiveness, but that doesn't let me escape the consequences."

"I should have known you'd find some way to blame yourself. Please stop. I can't stand it," I pleaded with him.

"What would you like me to say?" He asked, his calm expression wavering.

"I want you to call me every bad name you can think of, in every language you know. I want you to tell me that you're disgusted with me and that you're going to leave so that I can beg and grovel on my knees for you to stay." It sounded ridiculous but maybe I needed his anger to snap me out of it.

"I'm sorry. I can't do that."

He was too understanding. It killed me. Maybe he was doing it on purpose, to make me suffer internally. I wanted more than anything to suffer some consequences of my own. It would even the score tremendously. As I looked into his eyes again I could sense a change in his expression yet again. I knew the fight was looming.

"It's getting closer," I stated.

"Yes, a few more minutes now. Just enough time to say one more thing…"

He crawled across the ground of the tent and began whispering in my ear. "I can be noble, Bella. I'm not going to make you choose between us. Just be happy, and you can have whatever part of me you want, or none at all, if that's better. Don't let any debt you feel you owe me influence your decision."

"Dammit stop that!" I screamed out in frustration. Why was he so willing to just let me go? He was supposed to love me more than anything in the world.

"What happened to fighting back? Don't start with the noble self-sacrifice now! Fight!"

"How?" he asked morosely. He appeared broken despite his perfect features and the agreeable noble façade he was putting on.

_Forget fear and pain_, I thought to myself. _Forget self restraint and self preservation._ I wanted nothing more than to live in the moment. I wanted to be as free with Edward as I was with Jacob. I climbed into his lap and threw my arms around his shoulders.

"I don't care that it's cold here. I don't care that I stink like a dog right now. Make me forget how awful I am. Make me forget him. Make me forget my own name. Fight back!"

Without hesitation I pulled myself against his hard body and pressed my lips against his.

He kissed me back hesitantly. I felt his cold hand trail its way up to my neck and twist in my hair. This kiss felt like the polar opposite of the one I shared with Jacob only minutes earlier. Despite the difference, it felt just as good. I could feel Edward lose himself in our kiss. He wasn't pushing me away as he had always done when it got to the moment of truth. He was actually pulling me closer. His tongue tangled with mine and his intoxicating breath grew ragged. His body said what his words couldn't. I grinded my hips roughly down into his growing erection and he let out a growl.

His conscience and morals and fear of hurting me always outweighed what his animal instincts longed for. "Stop," he insisted calmly. "Now is not the best time for this."

I gave up instantly, dropping my arms to my side and climbing off of his lap. I was used to fighting a losing battle with Edward.

He could tell I wasn't pleased with his dismissal. "We _will_ try, Bella. I'll make good on my promise, if that's what you want. I have faith that I can be a regular man for you. After last night, seeing what he does- being so close and not losing my control- I think I may be able to give you what you need. If you still want me…"

As he spoke, Seth howled stridently outside the tent. My body stiffened to the sound. It reminded me of Jacob's painful howl from earlier. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. _After last night. Seeing what he does. _My dream.

"Last night," I started horrified. "That wasn't a dream?"

"I'm sorry Bella," he said, his eyes not meeting mine as he listened intently to something in the distance that I could not hear. He was not completely there with me, and that was not quite how I wanted to have this conversation.

"I had to know what it was like for you," he continued. "My curiosity got the better of me, and I just had to see for myself why you so desperately needed an intimate exchange. I got to see what he offered you physically that I could not give to you emotionally, and now I finally understand."

"Oh." I had no words to explain the feelings this new knowledge had given me. _Edward watched me have sex with Jacob. _The thought was titillating and sickening at the same time. Since it was already in the past there wasn't much I could do but experience the shock of revelation.

Edward, lost in his head, began vividly examining the fight that was now happening in the clearing. How selfish I was to be stuck in my thoughts of sex and scandal while my friends were putting their lives at risk at the very same time.

"You told me you loved me," Edward whispered suddenly. "Even though you thought you were only dreaming. You still loved me."

I remembered saying that. In my 'dream' I proposed my love for Edward while I was still making love to Jacob. It was obvious that my love for Edward was much stronger than anything else.

And it wasn't a dream. Jacob actually heard me say that. No wonder he was willing to do whatever it took, even threaten sacrificial suicide, to get me to choose him.

I thought back to the day Jacob and I first had sex. The day Edward came to find me on the reservation. I clearly heard the words I had spoken to Jake when I was threatened with Edward's absence. _Final! I don't choose you! _The look in Jacob's eyes when I told him those words was unbearable. The memory alone made me shiver.

Then I thought about today, the kiss. I could see how happy Jacob was, thinking he had finally gotten everything he wanted. How could I ever take that away from him?

I looked down at Edward's hand as it joined with mine. At least Edward was here now and not there fighting for me. Jacob was in the lion's den and I was here safe and sound contemplating possibly breaking his heart. Again.

The sudden absence of sound was the only warning. I was not going to be safe and sound for long. They had found us. I couldn't take the time to worry about Jacob's heart, or his safety because the three of us- Edward, Seth and I were now fighting for our own lives.

* * *

Ultimately we came out on top. We were victorious in defeating the newborns and now Victoria was dead. I was free from the burden of her constant chase.

I was not, however, free from the grips of the Volturi.

_Caius will be so interested to hear that you're still human, Bella. _I could hear Jane's cryptic voice in my head.

I could still see the tall grey cloaks disappearing into the distance- still smell the incense of thick smoke filtering through the air.

But none of that could worry me now. I was heading back to see Jacob again. Jacob who had risked his life because of me, just as I suspected and feared, got injured while fighting off the newborns. The whole right side of his body was broken and no matter how quickly he healed the pain was undoubtedly horrible.

Now standing outside of his room, aware of the fact that he was awake for this visit, I lost all train of thought. I peered into the room and was relieved to see that he was covered with a blanket and his bandaged wounds were not exposed. My gaze traveled up his body to meet his cautious eyes. I hoped he didn't suspect I was there to cause him _more_ pain.

"Hi," I said as I walked over to him, and sat near his broken body.

I hoped that we could keep this conversation nice and easy and I could save breaking his heart for another day. Maybe I didn't have to break his heart at all. I had at least a good ten minutes of small talk to figure out a way to make that happen.

He joked around briefly about missing the 'good' fight and how he felt stoned with all of the pain killers Carlisle had given him. His smile was infectious and I felt that familiar sunshine returning within him.

Then he reached out with his left hand to pull me in for a kiss. I pulled away.

"Bella…," he protested. "Don't tell me that bloodsucker has gotten to you again with his mind games."

"He's not playing any game, Jake," I said quietly.

"You bet he is. He's playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what he's doing and I don't. Don't blame me because he's a better manipulator than I am- I haven't been around long enough to learn all of his tricks."

"He is not manipulating me, Jake, he loves me. He wants me to be happy." I could not let him bad mouth Edward after all that had happened.

"Did you let him know that you'd be happier with me? Did you tell him your choice?" he asked hopefully.

"About that Jake-"

"Oh, so that's why you won't kiss me. You're pulling a 'me' huh. You've changed your mind again and now we have to go back to the no kiss rule."

His determination was unwavering. He would not give up on me, that much I knew.

"I haven't changed my mind," I stated simply.

"Oh," he stuttered, apparently caught off guard. "Well, great honey, give me a couple of days and I'll be back in top shape and we can celebrate good and proper," he finished with a wink.

This was where I would lose him. "I haven't actually made up my mind yet."

His face fell ever so slightly. "You kissed me though, I told you not to do that unless you were sure-"

"Yeah well, I didn't get the chance to tell you not to threaten to kill yourself in order to win me over; because I didn't think you could ever be that much of an idiot! Of course I'll kiss you to save your life."

"That's true. Good point, Bells." There was humor in his voice but I could tell it was put on, for me. After a few silent moments he spoke again.

"So, what exactly does that mean-you haven't made up your mind yet?"

"It means that I am still Edward's fiancé, and I am still in love with you."

Jacob took in a deep sharp breath, and I inched closer to help him. "What? Are you in pain? What can I do?"

"No," he whispered lightly. "No pain, I just can't believe you said it out loud."

"Said what?" I asked.

"That you're in love with me," he answered proudly. "You never say that. In fact I think you enjoy saying the exact opposite."

"I never tell you I hate you. You always try to make it out like that but-"

He started laughing manically and I feared he might rip a stitch somewhere.

"It's not funny," I quipped back not amused. "Why do you think that's funny? You know I don't hate you. I just told you I was in love with you!"

He looked at me wistfully. "Everyone is so quick to believe that the opposite of love is hate. Just like the opposite of left is right, right?"

"Yes, it is," I answered matter-of-factly. If he was trying to make a point I wasn't getting it.

"Nope, you're wrong. The opposite of left is stayed," he clarified. "He _left_ and I _stayed_. Just like the opposite of _in love_ is _out of love_. You always seem to think that you have no more love to give anyone besides Edward. It's like he's dried you up or something. Now I finally get you to see that you are capable of loving someone else, and that you _are_ in love with me just as much as you are with him. But what do you do?"

"What do I do?" I gave in.

"You doubt me. I'm so tired of you doubting me, Bella. You're so unwilling to give me a fair chance. He had his chance and he fucked it up, and yet you gave him another one. You won't give me one- but you'll give him _two_!"

His logic was starting to make me angry. "I don't know what you want me to say, Jake! I loved him first. He's my first love, the love of my life. I just realized I love you, but I've loved him for what feels like forever. That is a hard thing to just give up."

"Well, I loved you before you loved him. But I don't get any bonuses for that. And you're right; it's a hard thing to give up on, especially now that we're so close. So much closer than you and he could ever be," he huffed.

His statement reminded me of something. "Oh yeah, about the whole 'you having sex with me in front of my boyfriend' thing, what was that all about?"

"What can I say- your _boyfriend_ is a leech pervert, he made me do it."

"I really believe that," I hissed back at him sarcastically.

"Bella, I'd sleep with you in front of all of Forks. I'll have sex with you on top of the Statue of Liberty- as long as it's you. As long as I get to be with you I don't care what the circumstances are," he whispered.

I sat and thought about his words silently. I couldn't stop a tear from rolling down my face as I considered the love Jacob had for me.

"Are you crying?" he asked bewildered. "That is the craziest thing to cry about, Bella. You know I would never actually have sex with you in front of all of forks. I get stage fright."

And through my tears I laughed again. Jacob wouldn't be satisfied until he turned me into a crazy person, laughing and crying simultaneously. He had a knack for making me feel multiple emotions at once.

"Don't worry, Bella, honey. It's all going to work out."

"I don't see how," I muttered.

"I'm going to give in and be good," he replied, smiling the smile I loved. He looked like my Jacob again but I couldn't help but wonder how sincere he was.

"More games?" I wondered.

"Maybe." He laughed again. "But I'm going to try."

I frowned.

"Don't you want me to be good?" he asked, picking up on my sad expression. "I know you love it when I'm bad but I'm guessing it'll make your choice a lot easier - once I take my super sexual skills out of the picture."

I smiled but I'm sure it didn't reach my eyes. "I'm not in love with you because of your sexual powers, Jake."

"There you go saying it again. _In love with me._ Kick a man while he's down."

"Sorry but it's true," I whispered, climbing into the bed next to him and squeezing my way under his good arm.

"I'm in love with you too, you know. I feel like I haven't said it enough today, and you've said it twice so…." He cradled me in his arm and kissed the top of my head. "And it has nothing to do with your sexual skills either."

I laughed lightly, closing my eyes and feeling completely at ease next to my Jacob. After a minute or so of silence I worried I might actually fall asleep if I stayed in the bed any longer.

"They are good though. Really good," Jake said unexpectedly.

"What," I asked incredulously, "my sexual skills?"

"Yes ma'am. Like what you did to me in this bed last time. It sucks that I have to be trapped in this room the next couple of days cause I'm sure I'll keep thinking about you with your mouth on my-"

"Jake!" I huffed, pushing him slightly.

"Ow, sorry! No more, please- pain," he cried out.

"Oh my god, I forgot, Jake- I'm so sorry." I sat up quickly assessing the damage I'd done.

"Sure sure, it's fine. Don't worry- it's just my bones, they will heal in time." He smiled through his grimace and looked at me sympathetically. "My heart, that's another story."

"I haven't broken your heart yet…" I insisted with caution.

He looked up into my eyes and I could see his sorrow more clearly. "No, not yet this month. I gotta bad feeling it's coming soon though."

I wanted to ease his pain, both physically and emotionally. I leaned over him and pressed my lips against his. His lips parted and his tongue lingered at my lips, tracing them before sliding into my mouth. It felt so natural kissing him, as if I'd been doing it all my life. No matter how long he kept me away from his lips- once I returned to them it was as if I never left. That was the hardest part of loving Jacob- how easy it was.

When we broke apart I smiled at him, but he didn't smile back. He looked pensive again.

I wanted to soothe his mind as much as I could. "I promise you Jacob, I will not decide anything until my wedding day. Edward will understand. If I choose him, then I will marry him and go on to become one of _them_. He'll have me forever so all the extra time making my choice won't matter."

"There you go again worrying about what he thinks, giving him the upper hand. Is he outside waiting for you now?"

"No, but-"

"Well, you better get home then, you don't want to keep your fiancé waiting. What will he think?"

"Don't be that way, it's a hard situation and I'm trying to be fair."

"Okay Bella, you go home and climb into bed with your fiancé while I lay here in agony thinking about how kind you are to grant me a couple of months of share time with the bloodsucker. That is- until the day you desert me, run off and marry him and then become my mortal enemy. It sounds pretty fair alright."

I held myself together while he attacked me, but I knew I had to get out of there fast. He was being too cruel and I had been through too much already. The waterworks would be coming any second.

"I'm sorry Jake. I don't know if that's how it'll turn out, but if it does then at least I tried. That's the best I can do."

He appeared to be remorseful about his spiteful words; he turned to me with a kinder look in his eyes. "You're right, honey. It's just the medication making me hulky, I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I gave in again. It wasn't worth fighting over.

"I wish I could touch you. I wish I could show you my love without the stabbing pain in my body taking over. I never knew how hooked I was on touching you until now- now that I can't just get up and walk over to you and sweep you off your feet."

I looked at him again, taking in his sorry state and wishing I could make it all go away.

"Hey, promise me you'll come back and see me soon. Don't forget about me just because I'm a cripple," he insisted, the light tone returning to his voice.

"I promise," I said, walking towards his bedroom door. I turned back and walked over to the bed again. I leaned down and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Love you, Jacob."

"Love you more," he replied. I walked out of the room just as he started speaking again, but I heard what it was he said.

"Please don't make the wrong choice, Bella."

I pretended I didn't hear anything.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for smut fans, there was no smut in this! There will be smut in the next one, and also- the next one will probably be the last one. Probably is the key word. As you may have noticed it took me forever to get this out, I have a lot going on and that sucks for poor readers of series. Once this is finished I think I'll stick to one shots... BTW, Thank you all very much for your reviews, they're awesome (even semi-negative ones!)

Songs:  
Broken – Secondhand Serenade (Bella)  
Stay With You – Goo Goo Dolls (Edward)  
Change Your Mind – Sister Hazel (Jacob)


	7. The Return of Bad Timing

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.

**The Return of Bad Timing**

"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking others to live as one wishes to live."

-Oscar Wilde

I was a mess. What was I going to do? Wallowing wasn't fair to Edward, especially after I made such a point of letting him know that I was completely over it.

By my own words, I was over it- over Jacob, over being torn between two worlds, and very much over having to make a choice. I loved Edward more.

But I still hadn't_ really_ chosen. I felt like the biggest con artist of all time. I was actually going through with wedding plans with Alice, and I had actually told my father I was marrying Edward. Guilt and love can make you do fucked up things apparently.

Would all of the white lies be so bad, though, if in the end this _was_ the outcome? Most likely it would be. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say the probability of me marrying Edward and becoming a vampire to spend the rest of eternity with him was my most resolute choice. It was what I wanted for what felt like so long. Edward was my soul mate.

So why did Jacob Black have to come along and ruin everything?

Jacob wasn't to blame, I was. I let Jacob get the best of me, because he was the only one who could actually bring the best of me to the surface. _Edward_ couldn't even sway me from my selfish ways. I was always determined to do things the way_ I_ saw fit. I know I would sometimes border on being selfless, for example- with Alice, and the wedding. But it always came back to what I thought was the right thing to do, for _my own_ piece of mind.

Jacob changed that. Jacob was capable of persuading me to step into the wrong. He was capable of making me want to give him what _he_ wanted. He knew how to make me see how wrong I was for wanting what I thought I needed. He made me long to be selfless.

If Edward could read my mind he'd be able to see through my façade. I was thankful that he didn't have to deal with my thought processes. They were ridiculously benevolent now, and not in his favor.

I wanted to give Jacob a fair shake. I could hear his words repeating in my mind, _'Please don't make the wrong choice Bella.'_

I had to compose myself every time the vision of him lying there, broken, came into my head. I had to be fair for him. I had to give _this_ time.

However, Edward made being selfless very difficult.

I remained his fiancé. I continued on my journey towards becoming a Cullen, always aware that I could change my mind at any time. I had promised to keep my options open right up until the 'I do's.'

That wasn't the difficult part. Living two separate lives became quite easy once I let it.

I had, after all, gone crazy on more than one occasion. Hearing voices felt like the greatest gift compared to living a double life in my mind. I became obsessed with perfecting this new persona, this new Bella that could be Edward's and Jacob's all at once.

Edward had a new obsession, as well- one that made me want to crawl into myself and never return. It was painful to the highest degree denying him.

He wanted to try to _please_ me. He was dead set on giving me what I needed, _sexually_.

There was a time when I would jump for joy at the idea that I had finally broken Edward's resolve. But this wasn't the time. That was the most shocking thing I would ever come to realize.

I knew that if I let Edward in; let him consume me with his want, that I would have no chance at being fair. I would latch onto him with my entire soul and let all thoughts of Jacob crumble into the wind.

It took all I had in me to push Edward away. I knew that it was Jacob's influence causing my reprieve- his ability to make me so goddamn selfless. I wanted nothing more than to get another taste of unbridled bliss, but I was being held down by an invisible force- a force stronger than my want.

A force called Jacob.

I refused to give Edward the upper hand any longer. This was going to be a fair fight. I owed that much to my Jacob.

All I needed was time. I had to come to grips with what I really wanted from life, _and_ death. I had until August 13th to come to a decision, and that felt like plenty of time.

* * *

I knew it was wrong to go to him. That never stopped me before.

"Jake!" I shouted to him as I opened the door to his house. He was sitting on the couch and the moment his head turned to see me, I felt my longing return.

"Long time no see, Bells!" His voice was a sound that made me feel whole again, but he was being very nonchalant. I wondered if I had waited too long to come back.

"Not _that_ long," I answered.

"What brings you to my neck of the woods?"

"I missed you. You haven't called."

He gave me an apologetic glance, but I could see more lingering behind it.

"I know. I wanted to. I thought maybe I should give you some space."

"Maybe you should, but that doesn't mean I want you to," I insisted. I needed him to know that I never wanted him to feel like he had to keep himself from me for my benefit.

"Hey, I told you I'd be good, so I'm being good."

"Aren't you healed yet?" I asked, pointing to the crutches in the corner of the room that caught my eye.

"Those are just for show. You break as many bones as I did, and people might wonder what the hell you're doing running around without a scratch five days later."

He got up from his seat on the couch and walked towards me slowly.

"I'm in tip top shape now, ready for anything," he hinted.

He stopped in front of me and picked up my hand, holding it in his. I couldn't find words that would match the emotion that always poured out of him in my presence, the tangible love he made me feel.

"Say it, again," he told me.

I paused internally. Would this be fair to Edward? Was I supposed to be equal in my treatment of them? I knew I didn't want to give Edward an upper hand, but Jake shouldn't get the luxury of my easy persuasion, should he? _Who am I kidding?_

"Kiss me," I whispered.

"No not that!" he yelled, smiling at the same time. Then he looked into my eyes and his softened further, he spoke in a lower tone, "Well, that's good too."

I felt slightly confused as he grabbed me into his arms and planted his lips on mine. The warmth of his body melted me and I molded my lifeless form onto him, wrapping every part of me around him. I felt immobile, every inch of me but my lips. They moved in time with his, at a pace we set long ago. It felt like I was home again, and I didn't know why I always stayed away for so damn long. Too long.

I was sure that my stone limbs squeezing him were making me harder to hold but he showed no effort. Suddenly it occurred to me that my body could move just as much as my mouth could, and my hands sprung into action. As his tongue dipped further into my mouth, I grabbed onto his hair and pulled him closer, taking his kiss even deeper.

I ground my lower half into him and, trusting he could hold me, let my hands travel down his back. He was so hot and pliable, so unlike what I had spent the last week getting used to, Edward's cold marble skin. Before I ever pushed Edward away, making excuses for why we couldn't go_ too_ far, I would always graze his skin in reassurance. I had forgotten what real skin felt like under my touch.

Jacob was laughing into my mouth. He seemed to be trying to dislodge himself from me, so I gave in and moved my face away from his.

"You _did_ miss me, huh?" he asked when we were finally separated.

"Yes." I let out the breath I had been holding.

"That's a good sign. Maybe I _shouldn't_ call you more often."

"No, call me often. I like to hear your voice."

"You think Edward would like it if I called you often?"

I changed the subject. "What did you want me to say before?"

"Oh. How you feel, about me. What you said last time," he answered softly.

"That I'm in love with you?" I asked.

"Yeah, that."

"I'm in love with you," I said it again.

"I've been dying to hear that. I thought maybe staying away from you would have the opposite effect. I thought maybe you would realize-"

"No," I interrupted him briskly. "That's never going to change- no matter what."

"It might," he insisted.

"I don't think so."

"Okay, but you're getting married; it's kind of hard to be in love with someone else when you have a husband." He looked down sadly and it reminded me of him broken all over again- the way he looked the last time, expecting to be hurt, anticipating pain. I needed him to not feel that way. I _needed_ him.

"So, do you want a soda or something?" he asked, changing the subject again.

"Make love to me, now?" I implored, unashamed.

"What?" he gasped. "Bella…"

I couldn't wait for an answer. I jumped back into his arms and he caught me without a hitch. I began kissing him again, molding myself back into his being. He pulled away for a split second to say, "Wow." Then he was kissing me with full force and carrying me to his room.

I was being brazen as I manhandled him. I was past the point of being nervous with Jacob. I knew him inside and out now. I knew where to touch him to make his eyes fall shut. I knew he liked it when I licked his bottom lip. I was intent on doing everything he liked.

"Bella," he hissed as I grabbed his hardness beneath the thin material of his pants. "I've never seen you like this. Is Edward not-"

"Don't say his name!" I didn't need him to ruin the moment by making me think. I only wanted to focus on _now_.

"Sorry. He's like the big elephant in the room. I don't know what I'm supposed to say," Jacob muttered.

"Say you love me," I ordered.

"You know I love you. More than anything."

"Say you want me."

"I want you so fucking badly," he breathed, his voice barely above a whisper.

I pushed him back onto the bed and climbed on top of him. "I need this Jake, I really need this."

"You know you can have it. It's yours." It wasn't news to me, but hearing him say that he was mine, made everything else disappear. The confusion, the worry, and the guilt- it was all gone.

I began to remove his clothes, starting with his tank top. As I pulled it up towards his head I started to see black. And blue, and purple, and yellow. The right side of his torso was covered in bruises.

"Jake, you said you were healed…" I worried, surprised by the image of his injured body breaking my trance.

"You found my weakness," he mused, "I am healed- it's just my skin being difficult. The bruises will fade soon. They're almost gone."

_Skin_- still the biggest difference between them. Jacob was human, no matter how supernatural he was. He could feel pain and he was _not_ invincible. I was starting to believe that was why I could easily push Edward away but I was resistant to hurting Jacob. It seemed like he could feel it more. Edward would have eons to get over it, but Jacob was feeling it now, _always_.

"You know I might not get married. I think you might be winning me over," I teased him.

I leaned down and placed small kisses on Jacob's bruises. I licked a trail from his right hip bone to his right nipple, and back down again.

"That would be the best news ever. I've been trying hard as hell to win you over," he confessed.

I placed my hands on either side of his head, and pressed my lips against his slowly. Then again, softly. Three times, barely grazing him. He lifted a hand to stroke my face.

My hands lowered to his pants, edging them down. I glanced beneath me to see some more fading bruises traveling down his right thigh.

My gaze turned to the left and I was transfixed on his massive erection. It was just how I remembered it. Now here, in the light- not in the darkness of a freezing tent, or in the unsteady quickness of the mountain top- but here, close and _slow_. I had all the time in the world to enjoy him. I felt my eyes glaze over.

"Are you thinking about me being your slave for life again?" he grinned.

I knew what he was referring to. I was having the same idea. I slid my hands down his thighs lightly, barely touching him.

I was kneeling over him, my mouth level with his pulsating cock. Instinctively, my lips were drawn to him. I deeply inhaled his musky scent; the aroma started my juices flowing. I was already wet and nothing had happened yet.

My tongue made a slow lick around the head, and I tasted his familiar taste. I had only gotten to taste it once, but the memory never left me. It screamed Jacob as soon as it hit my tongue.

I glanced up through my eyelashes and his eyes were closed, his left hand gripping the sheets above him. I wondered if he would stop me this time, if it would be too much.

I lowered my mouth and licked him from the base of his cock to the head, much like I had done with his bruises. I heard him moan quietly above me.

I was determined not to gag this time. I lowered my mouth onto him at a tantalizingly slow speed- millimeter by millimeter, until I knew I could go no further. I wrapped my hand around that spot to mark it as my end point. Then I took him in faster, more eagerly.

I heard a husky groan and felt his hips buck up at me. I wanted to make him feel that again. I lowered my mouth, feeling like a professional at this point, and twisted my head on the way up. I let my tongue trail his hardness from the inside as my lips worked the outside. Once, twice, three times, four times- his hands now on my head grabbing onto pieces of my hair.

I let my hand marker drop between his legs, to feel his balls. They were large and tight against his body. I think that was his breaking point because the next thing I knew I was being pulled up the bed and rolled over onto my back.

"Too much?" I asked.

"Too good- never too much," he quipped back.

"You could have finished."

"And miss _this_?" he asked, pulling my clothes off now. My jeans were down around my ankles and my shirt was already off before even a second had passed. "I've been thinking about this, the whole time I was healing. I wished I could have done this when you came and saw me. I wish I could do this every day."

_Me too_, I thought. It enlightened me. I did want this too much for it not to count for something.

Now I was naked, Jacob's warm body was covering me from head to toe, Jacob's tongue in my ear giving me chills, Jacob's cock between my legs begging for entrance.

My mind screaming, _this is what you want_,_ this is what you need._

His eyes were on mine as he thrust himself inside of me. There was no more pain. My body was used to him, it didn't mind the intrusion- it welcomed it.

We held each other tightly, slowly making love to each other's eyes, lips, faces, necks.

I felt my internal muscles grabbing him inside, holding him there, and claiming him.

It was unlike anything I had ever experienced, making love to Jacob, somehow both intensely erotic but also special and tender and pure. I wanted it to last forever.

But it couldn't last forever. I was close. Every slow plunge he made into my wetness was lighting my nerves up. When he started to make his thrusts shallow and fast I thought I might die from the pleasure. Then he switched it up and pushed himself into me deeper, and I was so excited that I took it all. His large cock was buried to the hilt and I felt so full I could have exploded from the delight. When our pubic bones met, his warm skin kept brushing against my clit and that was all I could take. I came with a loud gasp.

I could feel myself milking him inside, his frantic thrusts becoming more frantic, needier. In my pleasure filled daze I thought back to the mountain top. I recalled the hurtful things he said.

'_I don't make love to people who don't choose me_.'

'_I refuse to kiss you. I think kissing should be reserved for people that are __in love__ with me.'_

None of _this_ lined up with his previous reasoning. Maybe he was just trying to hurt me back then. But maybe, maybe he knew something I didn't. Maybe I was destined to choose him after all.

"Don't stop," I pleaded.

I grabbed his body tight to me, willing him not to pull away at the last second.

He groaned in my ear, "I'm going to-"

"Do it."

I heard his previous words again, the kinder ones, the ones that weren't meant to hurt me, but instead make me feel special- make me belong to him. _'I want you to get off while I'm inside of you.'_

"Do it inside of me." I insisted, still coming down from my high.

It was all I had left. I knew him in every other way, but this way. Just incase it didn't work out, incase he was wrong.

"Shit, Bella," he gasped, and he didn't try to pull away. He pulled me closer, slamming into me a few more times and then letting go. I could feel him spasm within me. I could feel his brilliant hardness grow softer, less stiff. But it was still there.

His body went limp above me, his weight growing heavier on my small frame.

"Wow," he said languidly, for the second time. It matched my feelings exactly.

I was almost sure, _almost, _that nothing could match this feeling.

* * *

Lying in bed with Edward felt less like home, and more like a dream.

It had been five days since I last saw Jacob, five days of torture trying to figure out what would make my decision complete. I knew that I loved Jacob, and I knew that I loved Edward. It wasn't fair that I was willing to express my love to Jacob physically- without giving Edward a chance to show me he was capable. I felt ready to give in to his new obsession. He most definitely did not have the upper hand in that department any longer.

I wasn't blinded by his beauty anymore, just appreciative of it. Still my heart skipped a beat whenever he turned his gaze towards me and looked at me with _that_ look.

He was doing it right at that moment.

"Bella, what are you thinking now?"

"I'm thinking I'm glad you bought this bed, I'm very comfortable," I lied.

"Are you sure you're not thinking of anything else?" he countered.

I realized I might have been turned on by the fact that I was planning on giving in to Edward. Maybe I was a little too excited. Could Edward tell? He could probably smell it on me.

"Okay, I was thinking maybe I was wrong. Maybe we shouldn't wait until after we're married to…know each other."

"I'm so happy you said that. I've wanted to show you for weeks now. I've been preparing myself ever since the day with Jacob in the-"

"Don't say his name!" I felt déjà vu set in.

"I'm sorry love. I just meant to say that I think I'm ready," he answered warmly.

"I do love you Edward," I insisted, more for myself than for him.

"I know."

"And I trust you," I continued.

"You shouldn't, but I'm glad you do," he answered honestly.

"Let's take this slow, and see what happens."

Then he was on me, quick like lightening. His speed always caught me off guard, and I didn't get a chance to take a breath before his lips were on mine. Familiar,_ safe._

His lips moved down to my neck, and I felt goose bumps form on my skin.

He dared to snake a hand up my pajama top, and the goose bumps tripled. He was inches away from my bare breast. For someone who didn't need to breathe, he was breathing quite heavily.

Finally he made contact. My nipple hardened from his cold touch instantly. He pinched it between his finger tips and I felt wetness pool between my legs. I was sure he could smell my arousal now.

"Mmm, I want you badly," he growled.

'_Say you want me,' _I heard myself saying those words just days earlier- but not to Edward. I chalked it up to more déjà vu.

"I want you too," I answered, desperately trying to distract my mind from thinking about _someone_ else.

Edward began to take my top off, slowly revealing each inch of me. When the shirt was finally removed I watched him- watching me. There was a look of longing in his eyes.

He bent his head down and took the same nipple into his mouth, rolling his tongue around it.

"Yes!" I cried out. A part of me was relieved that it felt just as good when Edward did it.

"I need you Bella, I need to have you this way," Edward whispered around my breast as his hand started to make its way down into my panties.

'_I need this Jake, I really need this.'_

I couldn't stop thinking about my words. My words to _Jacob_. It didn't feel right to have such thoughts in my head at a time like this. When I was with Jacob I couldn't even imagine what Edward looked like. It wasn't fair. I just wanted this to be fair.

I knew of a way to get Jacob off of my mind.

I took my hand off its stationary position on the bed and cautiously began to run my fingers down Edward's chest. His face left my body and rose to meet mine. He kissed me again, this time with more passion.

My hand continued down- further. _Closer._

I reached my destination, the bulge in Edward's pants. I grazed my hand over his hardness mischievously.

Edward moaned and gripped the headboard above us tightly. I could hear the metal creak.

I brought my other hand up around him, and traced my fingers down his back.

_Skin_- cold as ice. Not pliable, not soft.

I couldn't shake the bad feelings that washed over me- the regret, the thoughts, the overwhelming feeling that this was not where I should be.

_I love Edward, _I thought. I needed Edward in my life.

But was it enough? Would only having Edward be enough?

'_You are my life now. I'll always be there in the wings waiting for a time when you may need me.' _Now I could hear Edward's assuring words distracting me from the task at hand.

He'd always be there. I could try to be with Jacob, and Edward would let me. He'd wait for me, as long as it took to realize I'd made a mistake. If I ever _did_ realize it.

If I chose Edward I would lose Jacob forever. If I chose Jacob I still had a chance to have Edward in my life. My choice was becoming clear.

Jacob wasn't around to force me into selflessness. I felt my old selfish self step into the light. I suddenly didn't want to go through with this.

I stopped Edward's face with my hands as it made its way down to my core. He let my hands raise his face to be eye level with mine, and he smiled.

Goddamnit, it was heartbreaking to look at him like this- happy.

"I think I feel sick, Edward."

"What?" his eyes took on a more concerned look. "Was it something I did? Am I being too rough?"

"No!" I assured him, "I think it might be something I ate. My stomach hurts," I lied again.

I was starting to hate the person I'd become.

"Oh no," he sympathized. "Should I run to the store and get you something?"

"No, I think I just need to rest a minute. Hey, maybe it's a sign, from a higher power, warning us to save your soul and not have premarital sex," I joked, but I hoped he might read into what I was saying a little further.

"Maybe," he offered, although I was sure he didn't believe that.

"Speaking of marital, did Alice send out the wedding invitations yet?" I asked him slyly. Maybe it wasn't too late. I didn't have to wait until the wedding to make up my mind.

"Is that what this is all about? I had a feeling you weren't being yourself tonight."

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"Jacob told you that I sent him an invitation to the wedding?"

My mind went black.

Jacob Black.

My choice.

_The wedding_.

August 13th was plenty of time away to make a decision, but I was closer than that. I didn't need so much time. But I felt in that moment that my time might have just run out.

"No, he didn't. _Why?_" I yelled. "Why would you do that Edward? Nevermind, I need to make a phone call…"

I ran out of the room and searched for the nearest phone.

I dialed the familiar number that I had avoided dialing time and time again. I had denied myself over and over, because I was being fair. I was being selfish.

It rang. Once, twice, three times, four times.

"Hello?" a familiar voice answered.

"Billy, hi. Is he there?" I asked, half out of breath from running.

"He left two days ago, Bella. He wasn't himself, if you know what I'm saying. I'm not sure when he's coming back"

"Or _if_ he's coming back," I finished his thought.

"He's grown up now- he'll come back when he wants to," Billy replied.

I hung up the phone without saying goodbye.

There wasn't enough time anymore. I was too late.

I reached down to my wrist and undid the clasp of my bracelet, wanting to look at the wolf. _My wolf._

I was so weak from the sobs racking my body that it slipped out of my hand. The big heart shaped crystal that Edward gave me made the loudest noise as it hit the floor.

* * *

A/N: EPILOGUE COMING SOON

Songs:  
Feel Your Love - Kim Sozzi (Bella)  
I'm Ready For Love - The Temptations (Edward)  
Give it a Try - Bonfire (Jacob)  
Running Away - Midnight Hour (Jacob)


End file.
